The 7 Common Social Beliefs Murdering
Your Relationships With Men (And What To Do About It)
A Special Message From Devian Day
(Author, Dating Coach, Sexual Revolutionary)
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When Michael asked me to participate in this product, and reveal secrets about men, one particular subject instantly showed up in my mind.
Social Conditioning.
In other words, the elusively obvious fact that… Society Is To Blame For Almost ALL Dysfunctional Relationship Problems.
You see, we all grow up with these ideas about who we are as people, how dating, relationships and marriages are supposed to work, and how we are expected to think about the opposite sex. These ideas come from our parents, our schools, the media, the government, and everyone in our life who we consider at an early age to have some sort of authority over us.
But here’s the problem: The same people we learned these things from, are simply carrying on the tradition of what THEY learned growing up, which came from the generation before them, and so on. These social conditions around sex and dating have been BLINDLY passed down from generation to generation, and almost NO ONE has stopped to question any of them!
In other words – NO ONE IS THINKING FOR THEMSELVES! This creates a whole whirlwind of miscommunications, pre-conceived notions, and more emotional baggage than US Airways could carry in a decade.
This document was inspired to open your eyes to some of these outdated social concepts and present you with the bigger picture of how to handle them. It’s not some conspiracy theory manifesto or anything like that. There’s really no conspiracy here, rather, there’s a perpetual machine of sexual ignorance that – once you are aware of – is totally optional from this day forth.
With Understanding And Forgiveness Comes The Freedom Of Choice
For each of these 7 social sex lies, there are exercises you can use to see each of these misconceptions in action for themselves, as well as ways you can bring up these issues with your lover – opening up the channels of communication that bring so much more to your relationship and bond.
With this new knowledge, you can make the choice NOT to believe them anymore, and I guarantee the way you look at your relationship will change forever.
Stay Dirty,
Devian Day
P.S. I’m the author of Dirty Dialogue: A Good Girl’s Guide To Being Bad, plus many other zesty hot relationship products, systems, and lots of fun goodies of the sort.
You might wanna check out my website ;-P http://www.dirtydialogue.com (Clicking here just might change your life)
The Story Of A Young Couple’s First Sexual Experience
On a warm summer night, 15 years ago, a young couple consummated their relationship, overlooking the sunset, high upon a mountaintop in sunny Colorado.
This was their third date, this young couple. Both were brought up in a fairly religious, conservative household. Both had parents who were “happily” married. And both had been waiting for this moment – as most new couples do – since the first time they met…
But there was a problem. In Mike’s mind, he was getting off MORE to the feeling of his sexual triumph than the actual sex itself. In Mary’s mind, she was finally “putting out” because – after jumping through enough hoops – he’s finally earned it. She was getting off to watching him play with his new toy and ravage his reward.
Neither were in the moment. Neither were fully satisfied, during, or when it was over. And neither came an inch closer to connecting with each other the entire time.
What The Hell Happened?
Do you ever wonder how we wound up dating and mating the way we do? It’s not because we don’t have sexual urges from the get go. It’s not like girls want sex any LESS than guys do.
No! The problem lies in the way THEY tell us how sex, love, and relationships “should” be. It’s how THEY tell us what is “proper” and what is “inappropriate”. It’s how THEY tell us what is GOOD and what is BAD. It’s the way THEY told us to grow up and behave. And told our parents to grow up and behave.
THEY – are the destructive “mind viruses” hidden in, what some would consider traditional morals and/or social values that have been passed down blindly from generation to generation – taken for granted as TRUTH in regards to sexual conduct and intimate relationships.
A Connection Unlike Any Other
Imagine a world where you and your partner have no barriers. A world where you are free of any self limiting “mind blocks” during your intense, intimate moments.
In these moments you are Free of ANY past references, decisions or preconceived notions, and FULLY engaged in your bodies – experiencing “the now” – raw and real with ZERO inhibitions.
In this space, you have no false expectations of each other. There is ZERO fear, shame, or embarrassment, ever. Sex is 100% on the table, where you are as kinky as you want in full acceptance of yourself and each other.
This is the world we are entering now as you’re reading these words. A mind space void of all bad mental programming that was taught to you by your parents, your teachers, your churches, your friends – all at an early age, and then on repeat again and again through the cycles of life.
Once you realize the TRUTH behind the mask, the blindfold falls off and you can finally see with your own two eyes.
Your ego may resist it at first, but I assure you, the next time you see these things happening in your life, you will remember this moment as your “ah ha!” moment brings your new reality into light.
In this Judgment-FREE zone, you and your partner can seriously communicate BEYOND words.
We’re talking about communication BEYOND the petty B.S. of your daily life. BEYOND that which typical “romance” stops, and where a natural, fluid, interconnected dialogue begins. This not only includes the dialogue within your sexual Self, and the dialogue within any relationship you have.
The Damage Of Traditional Dating
After meeting through friends, Mike and Mary’s first date is more like an interview, than a date. They both took hours to prepare themselves to put their “best foot forward” and give an amazing first impression to each other.
As Mike went on and on qualifying himself (at the fancy restaurant he eagerly paid for), Mary went through the mental checklist in her head. After enough green lights, she decides to allow him “access” to date #2, and even documents it in her diary.
The second date was even better. Mike and Mary shared more detailed stories about each other’s lives. They learned more about each other as they both started feeling that special, romantic tingle moving in and out of their bodies. They talked for hours, and finally kissed, as if by magic, underneath a dim light in the park.
At this point, Mary knew that date #3 would “seal the deal” both for him (who she sees as wanting sex ) and for her, who is ready to make Mike her new boyfriend.
HOWEVER …
If Mike doesn’t end up committing himself to her, she is now risking EVERYTHING by “putting out” – since, if Mike “uses her” like so many guys often do, she now faces being branded with that nasty, 4 letter “S” word by the girls at school.
Mary was ready to do everything she can to make CERTAIN he is going to BE with her – putting her performance (and his pleasure) as the focus of their VERY FIRST sexual encounter.
After they had sex the first time, they continued to put on their song and dance for each other, never truly connecting sexually, always feeling the urges to be “good enough” for each other, but never truly opening up.
How To LOVE Sex Without Pressure
Now, this may seem like a MASSIVE amount of pressure, yes? Well, here’s a quick exercise…
- Close your eyes
- Remember back to the BEST sexual experience you’ve ever had
- Feel yourself imagining the moment of eroticism in your body
Now, you feel a drop of uncomfortable tension? OF COURSE NOT. And THAT is how sex should be every time! But it’s not. Know why? Because, in this traditional dating model, the stakes are HUGE!
From the very start of their relationship, most new couples do everything possible to be “right” for each other. They want each other very badly, but decided they didn’t want sex to “ruin things” as to not rush in. And ultimately, most new couples build a relationship being who they THINK their new partner WANTS them to be, rather than being their “real” selves from the get go.
This is called POSTURING (and it’s the enemy of “REAL” authentic sexual connection.)
Here are symptoms of posturing:
Feeling guilt, embarrassment, shame, or any FEAR in the bedroom at all
Feeling the need to put your “best foot forward” all the time with your man
Feeling a sense of satisfaction when he’s done what you’ve wanted him to do
Feeling compelled to avoid eye contact (in the bedroom and otherwise)
Feeling alone …
As you can imagine, the list goes on …
You see, both men and women grow up with pre-conceived notions on how sex SHOULD be. We are ALL raised with SPECIFIC GUIDELINES for how to behave in regards to sex, love, life and dating. And they bought the bull, like we all have done at some point in our lives.
These are the same “limiting beliefs” that are responsible for ripping a couple apart, poisoning relationships, and destroying any chance at any REAL connection before you or they even MEET.
But we all do it. We grow up seeing other people doing it. We see people we trust, our friends, our family, all following the same cookie cutter path. We start thinking that in order to attract a mate, we must fit a certain mold. As a result, we condition ourselves to “fit” a certain way. It’s the reason why “just be yourself” is the most typical dating advice out there – because we unknowingly fell for the false programming that told us to do the exact opposite.
How Society Has Sabotaged Your Love Life (And What To Do About It)
In this document, you will be exposed to certain “truths” that exist in our social culture, that seriously sabotage relationships. Be these are not truths at all – they are artifacts of social programming. They are LIES.
Each chapter zeros in on one of these lies. Some lies have to do with traditional gender roles. Others have to do with sexual repression. Most reveal the underlying root of WHERE these problems came from in the first place, and what to do about them. And ALL of them are based on outdated thinking because no one THOUGHT to question it.
Yet, these outdated thoughts have been passed down through history anyways, and gave birth to the self-destructing relationship paradigm we now live in.
The result? Men have been conditioned to harden their inner feminine, while women have been conditioned to crank up their inner masculine. Gender roles no longer exist, while gender identification leads to more insecurity than ever before. No one, neither men or women, know what to expect of each other, and most importantly, what to expect of themselves.
This makes AUTHENTIC sexual connection practically impossible for those who are still plugged into the “social matrix” and prefer to unknowingly swim around the fishbowl of sexual confusion, delusion and lies.
Thank GOD there’s hope.
In this document, you will learn how the simple act of identifying these beliefs will help you wake up and reframe any sexual shame, guilt, or doubt in your mind, and replacing them with a new understanding of your sexuality and relationships with men.
Forgiveness Starts With Understanding
I strongly encourage you to read through this material, let it rest in your mind, and start to see these patterns emerge in your OWN daily life. Let the information soak in, monitor your internal conflict over these issues as they come…
…and realize, now that you will be able to IDENTIFY these lies, you will be granted the power to CHOOSE whether to believe them or not. And if you DID believe them up until now, realize ITS OK– you didn’t know any better. Consider this your mulligan. Your “get out of jail free” card (so long as you never make the same mistakes of belieiving the lies again 🙂
Now, whether you’re in a long-term partnership already, single or even in a new relationship that’s just starting out, you CAN experience sensual freedom with your partner – no matter how long you’ve been posturing until now – IF you are willing to accept it, within yourself first.
Remember our young couple Mike and Mary? They postured their entire relationship, up until sex, and long after without any real connection.
You can go about your relationships believing the old, self-sabotaging way, or you can peek at what’s behind the curtain for yourself… and explore each other, to find real connection behind the socially propagated lies.
So here’s the REAL question for you: Which type of couple would you rather be?
Social Sex Lie #1: “Real Men Don’t Cry”
The first lie is no shocker. It’s no surprise to hear that men have been conditioned to almost NEVER show emotion – especially around other men. And there’s a serious stigma attached to this, one that has been there for centuries.
Think back to the olden days, when we humans had hardly a sliver of the technological advances we do now. Life was tough, back then. And gender roles were CLEARLY defined.
However, in the modern world, even though this “tough guy” archetype is still strongly ingrained into the minds of men. Guys who cry are considered weak, feminine, and are even sometimes accused of being gay by other men.
But real men DO have inner feelings and (mostly mentally driven) emotions , and as you’ve already learned, men are generally terrified of them….
Ever wonder why?: Do you think that men are just NATURALLY terrified of their feelings, of being emotional, of being anything other than the proverbial “man” all the time?
No, of course not. Naturally, we cry as humans. We cry to grieve. We cry to release the emotional clutter we carry from our experiences., as anyone can. We cry to let go. We cry when we’re happy. We cry to heal the soul.
Crying is actually a biological stress release mechanism BUILT IN to human beings. So of COURSE men are supposed to cry, just like women do. We sure did it all the time when we were toddlers, didn’t we?
Society says “NO” on this one. As if crying was weakness. Somewhere, someone decided that human beings with penises shouldn’t shed tears, and that somehow this has to do with their identity as a man.
It’s as if even the slightest exposure of radical emotional honesty meant that a man was no longer in control, and at the first sight of vulnerability, he would lose all his power. Pure nonsense logic built out of fear.
So men, who are desperately seeking approval from other men, started raising their sons that boys don’t cry. Instead, as some would argue, it leads to a deep pattern of emotional repression, one that is like a ticking bomb, waiting to explode – most likely in highly aggressive (or passive aggressive) ways.
That is, in my opinion, why men are afraid of their emotions. Because strong emotions lead to crying, whether it’s positive or negative. And when a man is put in a position where he might risk his approval of others by “opening up” to these emotions, he starts blocking them off – without even realizing it- at a very early age.
So instead of EXPRESSING emotions, a man will tend to rationalize them while seething inside, and over-apply “masculine logic” to a situation out of the refusal to F-E-E-L.
And guess what? Your man is no different. Neither is any man you know in your life. This is DEEP social conditioning that has gone on for centuries.
Here’s what you can do about it:
1) The next time your man is upset, be present with him, that is, be “in the moment” and simply hold the space open. Don’t project any “what if’s”, beliefs, prejudices, – or really offer ANY “advice: in that moment. Simply just BE with him. Even if he’s flying off the handle, stay with him. Don’t allow yourself to go off into your own head of defensiveness, finger pointing or blame.
Once he cools down, simply ask him “how did that make you feel?” and wait for his answer. He might rebut you (as he’s not used to being open with his feelings), or he might not say anything. In either case, tell him “It’s ok if you feel hurt by this, I totally understand and am here to support you”.
Men aren’t used to being treated like this, and this alone could be enough to help him interrupt the angry chatter in his mind, slow down his thinking, and become more present in his body – the only true place where feelings exist.
2) In general (and NOT when fighting) encourage him to share his feelings, and make sure you are communicating “non-judgmental acceptance” – in which, ANYTHING he has to say is OK with you, as this is about you knowing your own emotional sovereignty and choosing to be present. You are not there to judge him. You are there to simply nurture him. You can even tell him something like…
“You know, I never understood why people think “real men don’t cry.” Didn’t we all cry as children when we were happier than ever? I wonder who decided that having a penis means not shedding tears…”
Once a man feels COMFORTABLE expressing his feelings, he will start to open up to you on a deeper level – especially when connecting with YOU in bed 🙂
Social Sex Lie #2: “The Money Makes The Man”
From an early age, men grow up seeing older men “succeed” in life, and look up to the older guys as role models. They see a successful man has money, and with that money, automatically comes a beautiful women. So they think that if they get the money, they will get the girl. For example, this is why men brag, show off, and fish for compliments on their “stuff”, and/or what they have achieved.
This one is heavy duty, and totally creates a complex in men, especially in their teenage years through mid twenties. The belief here is “If I have money, I’m more of a man than the next guy”. Just look at any corporate go-getter guy and you see an exaggerated example of this concept.
Now, before you get upset by this next bit, realize I’m generalizing here.
Women tend to reinforce this belief from the get-go, and it tends to make matters worse. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard a woman judge a man by the car he drives, the job he has, the STUFF he’s got. Hell, I’ve even overheard a woman once actively CHOOSE one of three men she was seeing based on the size of his house.
This one runs real deep, and both sides are guilty of aggravating it. Need proof?
Well, as Kanye West would say “I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger,” but that archetype exists for a reason 🙂
Now here’s the truth on the matter …
Financial security is an illusion when it comes to developing a bond between man and woman.
And it’s an illusion that a man with a lot of money MUST have a high quality character, be admirable and honorable..
It always has been an illusion, and always will be. So long as we have a roof over our heads, and food on the table, we can LIVE, and BE right? The problem is our egos, and how much stuff we WANT, we chase and “think” we NEED to have, in order to get by.
And when the “norm” is that men are responsible for providing, all value on more IMPORTANT forms of security is totally lost. I’m talking about the EMOTIONAL stability a man can provide a woman, as well as the MENTAL and SEXUAL security that is generated through true communication, sincerity and openness. These are FAR more significant values that men are RARELY ever praised or appreciated for.
That means you get to open a new “appreciation channel” that he’s most likely never experienced, putting you miles ahead of every other girl he’s had (or COULD have) in his life. Once you open this new channel, the more appreciation that starts to flow between you, the more you will cultivate in your relationship over time.
Try this one out…
1) Think back to a time where your man was THERE for you. Maybe it was a moment where you were freaking out about something, and he was able to remain calm and in his masculine (note: I don’t mean his “being a man”. I mean his natural sovereignty AS a man.) This would be a time where his emotional stability had massive value to you at the time.
Or, notice something he’s been able to do consistently that doesn’t involve money. Maybe the way he handles his daily routine. Maybe it’s the way he does something on a regular basis for you (that he doesn’t have to). These are usually known as the “little things that count”, when in reality, they’re not so little at all.
Pick one thing you can acknowledge him for and sincerely bring it up…
“You know that time when [Insert time]? I was thinking about that the other day and I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you doing that for me. That was more valuable to me than anything money could ever buy. Thank you”
His jaw might drop in shock and awe, just don’t dwell in that moment. Go on to something else. Since he is almost NEVER complimented like this, he’ll remember it.
(Extra Tip: Another way to apply this “lie buster” is by coddling him in times of financial stress. Reminding him that he’ll be able to do it no matter what, that you have faith in him, and that “its only money”. Your support here will be worth more to him than you could possibly imagine.)
2) Think back to a time where you felt naturally gentle and calm with your partner while HE was getting emotional, and out of control. And even though he was angry, you knew it really wasn’t as MUCH about YOU, as it was about what he was simply “going through” ..And, you stayed calm, present and loving with him. The time where you didn’t take his emotions “seriously”, only let him vent it out, while you held the space for him to express his feelings, totally free of judgment
Just PLEASE know, in this space, you are NOT “absorbing” the emotions coming at you, instead you areB-E-I-N-G present with love THROUGH yourself, so you’re truly BEING ”in love” with him.
If we’re kind to ourselves, we’re kind to others.
If you can be kind to your SELF during his emotional shit-storms, you have found your feminine sovereignty.
If you can’t think of a time this has happened, it’s never too late to start. Try this…
The next time he’s upset, and you feel yourself starting to get upset, look beyond what he is saying and behind what you are feeling in that moment.
Examine yourself beyond the mind chatter and “it’s” stories and examine into the heart and body of FEELINGS: Does the “something” that upset you have a deeper meaning? Is it connected to an emotional insecurity (in your head) that maybe your partner has NO clue about? If so, this is NOT the time to communicate it.
What to do IS in that moment, look beyond what he is saying and see the little boy inside. Allow yourself to shift into a more nurturing role of
support and forgiveness. SHOW him your femininity in this moment. Hold your space here, allow for his vulnerability and you may see him change his tone completely.
Social Sex Lie #3: An Infamous “Battle Of The Sexes”
Somehow, somewhere along the line, someone decided to pronounce that there is a battle of the sexes, as if men and women are constantly at war with each other.
You see elements of this all the time. The dating scene is called “the game”, for crying out loud. It starts at an early age, where gender identity is drilled into our heads. Think of every baby born, all sorted by colors – blue for boys, pink for girls. Think of a group of young boys outside their club house with a sign “no girls allowed”. I even remember my own mother telling my sister “girls rule, boys drool” as an innocent laugh they would have. Funny thing was, it’s not so innocent.
Need more proof? Imagine if you were to break up with your partner tonight. Or, remember back to the last time you had a break up. Who was the FIRST person you called?
I’m willing to bet the farm that it was your closest girlfriend. Guys do the same exact thing with their guy friends, in the same situation.
Anyways, here’s the point: The natural duality of men and women cannot be ignored, however, the way society has dictated each gender to behave in accordance with one another, has little to do with UNIFICATION, and everything to do with separation.
With traditional gender roles tossed out the window, it’s clear that anyone clinging to the “manly man” or “girly girl” stereotype image is way behind the curve. It simply doesn’t apply anymore, but the social expectations from this separation are still enforced by the media and all deeper cultural and historic ties.
What does this mean for you?
It means that you and your man (or ANY man that you come into contact with) already have pre-conceived notions about each other. This is especially apparent in the singles scene. It’s like both men and women think the other is trying to get something from each other through trickery, rather than open honest communication about what they want and require!
And after a life time of looking at the opposite sex as if they were chess pieces, it’s easy to run into a massive brick wall of friction in communication. A TOTALLY unnecessary friction based on the social belief that men and women (innately) are in some kind of war.
So here’s what I want you to do:
- Recognize that there is NO BATTLE of the sexes, unless you CREATE one. This means, that in order for real, authentic communication to happen between you and your man, you need to DROP your weapons, ideals, and “ self victimization” realizing they were never there in the first place.
- Bridge the gap with your lover. An easy way to bring this subject to light would to tell him something like this (especially if you’ve been bickering about guy/girl stuff lately … )
“Did you ever wonder why people call it the “battle of the sexes?
(He’ll most likely reply with “hmm, yeah that is interesting. If so then proceed. If NOT, and he cracks a sarcastic joke, simply say “yeah it’s funny, but this is actually really serious…” then proceed. If he says “No” then take this opportunity to enlighten him)
“I just read somewhere that most arguments between men and women start over things that society tells us to fight about, and have really nothing to do with our relationship. Isn’t that awesome? “
(He’ll probably be caught off guard here, due to the nature of the question. No matter what he says, continue…)
“Yeah. So you know how sometimes we fight about [Insert personalized male/female debacle here]? Turns out its not even our fault!”
From there, start a dialogue about the topic. Remember, this is about OPENING communication, not blaming or anything like that. You need to be willing to let go of petty stuff here. And for god sake, keep an open mind 🙂
Social Sex Lie #4: There Is Economic VALUE In Virginity
Do you know why virginity is considered to be so friggin valuable in our society?
It’s not because virgin’s are better in bed. That’s like electing to have brain surgery from a med student on his first day. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Believe it or not, the value of virginity has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with purity, and has everything to do with legacy.
Let me explain…
Back in the day, centuries before paternal DNA testing, the ONLY way to guarantee that the child was the fathers, is to first make sure that the woman is a virgin, and to make sure he was the ONLY man to possible have impregnated her.
The way this is played out comes from the traditional roots of marriage. The white “virgin” dress of the wedding. The “honey moon”, etc.
You know what a honey moon REALLY is? It’s one full moon cycle in which the bride and groom are sequestered away from other men, and during that time (while she’s ovulating) the bride would naturally jump his bones and hopefully conceive a child.
Heck, in some religions, it’s even customary for the father of the groom to inspect the bed sheets for blood – showing evidence that her hymen was broken and that the new born baby to be is guaranteed to be of his bloodline. In some cultures, even to this day, a woman who is NOT a virgin on her wedding night, would be stoned to death.
This is serious business.
Why did they enforce this virginity thing so hardcore? And why is it SO important for a man to know who the child is his?
As I said before, the answer is legacy. As wealth and property is passed down from generation to generation, the social belief was that it is CRUCIAL that the legacy be passed down through the family bloodline.
That’s why first-born children are the only one’s to receive inheritance, while the rest get the dowry – a legacy consolation prize – since back then, the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc child could literally have been anyone’s, and no one would have known.
This is OLD THINKING and super out dated – however – we see evidence of this social conditioning today.
Men are raised to believe that he needed to find a “good girl” to bring home to mom, and that means, a girl that doesn’t put out until at LEAST the third date! That way, he would know she was clean and “could” some day be “wife” material.
Women are told “Don’t give the milk away, cause no body will buy the cow!” by her mother at an early age. Instead, she was taught to render a specific protocol for making CERTAIN a man is worthy enough to go to bed with her, and will stick around after.
This old thinking in today’s world makes sex a value exchange, and NOT the intimate, soulful connection that it’s meant to be.
So here’s what to do…
- Understand that your value as a woman has absolutely nothing to do with whom, what, or how many times you’ve had sex. You could have lost your virginity on the floor of a dirty bathroom stall for all it’s worth – it DOESN’T MATTER. You are not a piece of property who’s abstinence is bartered for. This ALSO means you must encourage your girlfriends to stop dangling sex over their partners head like some sort of prize (and if you’ve ever done that yourself – STOP. It’s only making matters worse)
- Strike up a conversation with your man about this. Tell him exactly what you read above, starting with something like…
“Check this out. I just read that the reason people pretend that virginity is such a big deal has nothing to do with sexual purity, and has everything to do with money and ownership.”
This conversation might blow his mind, and will instantly relieve any negative sexual tension, doubt, shame, guilt, or embarrassment EITHER of you have about your past sexual experiences, as well as sex with each other
**THIS JUST IN: Apparently, a girl just sold her virginity on Ebay for 3.7million dollars. Yes, this is serious. She literally sold her virginity for money (and a lot of it, at that)
If this doesn’t stress this point (and put a nail in its coffin) then I have NO CLUE what would. Ok, moving on…
Social Sex Lie #5: Sex Is For A Man’s Pleasure
Have you ever heard of a “hysterical paraxism?”
Chances are, you haven’t. It’s actually a medical term from the 1800s (that started even centuries before that) also known as “female hysteria”.
In a nut shell, it turned out that women were started to get “hysterical” when their men left for whatever reason, and needed “vaginal massages” to get over their “issue”.
Hence, the vibrator was born.
I’m not kidding. It’s a real thing, you can read about it. The point is this: What was once considered an answer to a medical condition, is now commonly known as the FEMALE ORGASM.
This means that up until the turn of the 20th century, western science and culture didn’t recognize that women could actually HAVE an orgasm!
(Side note: Eastern cultures knew the deal. They had tantra. Enough said.)
Do you know what that meant for us westerners? A belief that the SOLE purpose of sex has historically been the MALE orgasm, and we’ve been socially conditioned to believe that the goal of sex is to please a man.
This is ALL SORTS of wrong, twisted, backwards, and just plain silly.
Here’s why: Men don’t get off on robotic, mechanical movements. I mean, they CAN, but it’s not nearly as satisfying.
Here’s a secret fact…
A Man Gets Off On YOU Getting Off On HIM It’s true. Your pleasure is his paradise. The more aroused you get, the more sexually engaged you are with him, the better it is.
In other words, your pleasure is his pleasure. Which also means, YOUR pleasure comes first, and he’ll naturally come second (no pun intended).
So how can we reverse this silly social condition in your relationship?
The answer is much easier than you may think…
- The next time you’re making love to your partner, put ALL the emphasis on your own pleasure. As in simply being “sensational” , and f- e-e-l-i-n-g your natural feminine fluidity rise and fall like an oceans tide Trust me, he won’t mind. In fact, you’ll notice that he might be taken back in a really good way, and start trying to keep up with YOU! This means fully engaging (and enjoying) the act of pleasing him, too.
- If you want to enlighten him on the fact that he’s basically been tricked into thinking that sex stops with him, you can tell him about the hysterical paraxism and how ridiculous that is in the context of today’s world.
For example, you can say…
“Hey honey, guess why the vibrator was invented! Go ahead, take a guess…”
He might laugh at this question, which is good. You want a light hearted vibe while unwiring social conditioning like this. He’ll most likely guess wrong, so after he does and you say
“no” a couple of times, tell him…
“It was invented by doctors in the early 1900s because they were sick and tired of administering “pelvic massages’ to women who they thought were hysterical. These “hysterical women” were actually just really horny, but back then, no one knew that women could have orgasms!”
This will start an interesting discussion about orgasms, and you can even turn it into your own Dirty Dialogue and even get it on right there 🙂
Social Sex Lie #6: Men Enjoy Sex More Than Women
With all the “sexual bartering” in traditional dating, and how women are raised to “give it up” to a man as if sex was some sort of reward, the crazy notion that “women don’t like sex” somehow surfaced on the planet.
This never made sense to me. If you think about what a man looks like while having an orgasm, and compare it to what an ORGASMIC woman looks like while doing the same, there is a stark contrast.
Women have the capacity to get off multiple times in a row. Often you see a guy cumming and he throws on his “o” face for like 30 seconds or so. Women? Yelling, screaming, moaning, and convulsing – over and over again.
Who’s having the better time? I think the answer is obvious.
But that’s NOT what most men think! And here’s why…
Men and women have extremely different hormonal reactions on a biological level. Men are turned on like a light switch, while women are turned on like a volume knob.
In other words, men are ready to go all the time. Our hormones are “reactive” to our environment. That’s why you see a guy’s “jaw drop” at the sight of a beautiful women. Also why you see guys get all pumped up in a bar fight like two rams bucking horns. Our hormones turn on a dime, depending on what is in our immediate environment.
Women, on the other hand, have a very “cyclical” hormone cycle, which has two distinct counter points in which a woman’s physiology is actually different, depending on the given time of the month. Most people know this as the “menstrual cycle”, but that’s only half the story.
What most people don’t pay attention to, is the counter-point to a woman’s menstruation: Her ovulation.
Roughly 10-12 days after first blood (provided you’re not using hormonal birth control methods) a woman will enter what is known as “estrus” in the animal kingdom.
And for about 3 days (really, 9 hours on average) a woman is practically in heat, with her body saying “GIVE ME SPERM, ITS TIME TO MAKE A BABY!”
(Note: The interesting thing about human beings when it comes to estrus, is that it’s concealed. Every other species makes it extremely obvious. Baboon females will create a cushion-like swelling around her genitals, making them bright pink for males to see. Ally cats will screech the night away. Humans females, on the other hand, keep it concealed, meaning it’s up to YOU to bring him deeper into heat. THROUGH your own sexual prowess. 🙂
This “estrus cycle”, in turn, is the point of the month where a woman is the MOST HORNY – equivalent to a man’s 24/7 “ready to go” sex drive. Now, this is a small window of time in comparison to a man, so it’s no wonder men think women aren’t interested in sex as much as them. When, in reality, it has nothing to do with desire, and everything to do with the timing of your biological clock.
Plus: When you combine this preconceive notion that women don’t like sex, with the onslaught of sexual repression against female sexuality since the beginning of time, it builds a pretty good case that those who aren’t “in the know” to easily fall victim to believing this lie.
So here’s how to fix it…
- Start tracking your menstrual cycle, and learn to identify your estrus time frame. And while every women is different, the average is 10-12 days after first blood, so long as you’re not on hormonal birth control (if you are, then your body already thinks its pregnant, so it may not be as obvious to you).Mark these dates in your calendar. This would be an excellent window of opportunity to go on a romantic getaway with your man, start a trip, or even just plan a sexy night of kinky fun. It’s when you will be as ready to go as him, and once you notice it, you can make the absolute MOST out of it.
- Get him involved. Explain to him that your period is more than just a period – it’s like a horny meter. He will be VERY interested in this, and probably track it himself. This will not only give him something to look forward to, but prepare you for a wild night of hotter sex, deeper connection and as much intimacy as you can handle.
You can tell him…
“Did you know that human females go into heat once a month, and keep it a secret? I was reading this article, and learned how other species make it very obvious, and it goes on for a LONG time, while humans, on
the other hand, have it once a month and only for about 3 days. It’s called Estrus”
If you ever wanted a really good reason to start a conversation with your man (that leads into a discussion about sex) this is it. Not only will he be fascinated, but he’ll start looking at your sex life with a lot more tact (and FINALLY understand why you’re not always ‘in the mood”)
Social Sex Lie #7: Women Who Like Sex Are Bad People
This is where rubber meets the road. This particular lie is more like a plague; an epidemic amongst good women who simply have natural urges, no different than men (sometimes even wanting sex MORE than men, in some cases).
This lie is tricky, since it’s not outright SAID – just sub-communicated through the way we behave socially when it comes to looking at a woman’s sex life.
(Side note: Ironically (or on purpose, who knows…) all the great legends of powerful female world-leaders included a radiant sexual energy as part of their archetype. Goddesses such as Ishtar of Babylon, and Isis of Egypt had sacred prostitution as part of their cult rituals. Cleopatra was radiant enough to seduce Julies Caesar. Marylin Monroe slept with the president of the united states while no one – not even his wife – said a damn thing about it.)
On the surface, we know this lie as the “double standard”. It all revolves around a nasty, 4 letter “S” word that both women and men toss at
women to degrade them worse than any other word in the English language.
The most contradictory part about this word is that, by definition, it describes a female who makes her own decisions, thinks, and acts on her own accord, regardless of what other people “think” about them … similar to the “goddess” archetype as mentioned above.
This “dirty” word is used to tarnish women who CHOSE to have sex because they WANT to, and NOT because they are “getting something out of it” but because she ENJOYS IT. A woman that has sex with whomever she wants, simply because it makes her feel good and she likes having it.
Now I’m sure there are woman who are having sex with LOTS of men, and for the wrong reasons. Sometimes it’s out of a lack of self respect, out of desperation, or out of “just wanting to be loved”. Obviously, we are not talking about that smaller “negative” percentage of woman. We are talking about the everyday woman , who grew up in FEAR of being called that WORD.
Of course, I’m talking about the terrible, 4 letter word – “Slut”. This label tarnishes any woman’s reputation instantly.
It usually starts becoming an issue in high school (even junior high these days, that’s a whole ‘nother story).
We’ve all seen girls get branded with this degrading word, and have all been guilty of using it out of anger at some point in our lives.
But here’s the problem it causes. Women are raised with the social belief that they must GUARD THEIR SEXUALITY WITH THEIR LIVES! This can often times cause a major complex in itself, where women are so afraid of getting “caught” for having sexual urges, that they repress them with a major stigma attached.
Want to destroy this stigma in YOUR relationship? Listen closely…
- You must first realize that social convention has ZERO place in the bedroom. What happens behind closed doors, with your lover, stays there. No matter how dirty you get, it’s not like paparazzi will come kicking the door down and slandering your name across the Internet.
- Your sex life has to do with YOU and HIM – not what other people have been told is “OK”.
- Start a conversation with your man about women that like having sex, and how it’s a shame they are damned for getting so much experience doing something that all men (and woman secretly) WANT to do!
Here’s a funny way to break the ice on the topic:
“What’s up with people thinking that women who have a lot of sex are “loose”? Last I checked, the vagina was a muscle.
OR:
You can go on to say …
Have you ever gone to a gym and seen anyone’s muscles getting flabby while lifting weights?”
(Note: This single example of this concept is actually another common misconception that strikes me as hilarious. It’s one of those things that you hear, as you just did, and think “wow that’s funny”, is it not?)
“I never understood why women who love sex are considered bad people. The more you do something, the better you get, right? Isn’t that what men want? Women who are good in bed? That’s like saying ‘You’ve won too many [Insert his favorite sport title here] – you suck.’”
This will get a chuckle, and will also communicate that you “get it” – which happens to give you permission to be as much of a slut for him as you want to be, with zero repercussions!
One Last Thing…
Don’t panic. I know I’ve just introduced you to a whopping tidal wave of new information that might not sit comfortably the first time you hear it. Give this information time to sink in, and with a new set of eyes, I promise you will start to see evidence of each one of these things in your own life, and make up your OWN MIND.
And there are many more. We didn’t even get IN to the nitty gritty of how these same social lies REALLY affect women. This piece was designed to help you understand him, and when you’re truly ready, you can look within and start to examine things like…
- The over-conditioning of your masculine, giving women the crazy idea that they must “compete in a man’s game” in order to succeed
- The insane levels of mixed- messages about sex that have spawned over the past 3 generations alone, evolving into one twisted cluster of confusion on what is morally “right” for women to do
The full history of masculinity taking over with the rise of certain world religions that negate the feminine deity with a singular masculine God figure (and what that did to women)
The short cut, step-by-step secrets of overcoming these deep internal dilemmas and unleashing your inner-sex goddess with a power beyond measure
How to USE this intoxicating sexual energy to lure your man directly into a heated, passionate frenzy at your whim (using a secret “primal” language code most people will never know exists)
And that’s only scratching the surface …
Yes ma’am, there’s a lot of hyper-empowering discoveries being revealed over at Dirty Dialogue now a days, and since you’re still reading this, I know you’re ready for more
Join me over at my website: http://www.dirtydialogue.com
Thanks for reading, and I look forward to helping you answer any questions you may have. You can email me personally at devian@dirtydialogue.com
