Secret Conversations with Men

Matt: Hello there ladies, this is Matt. I’m bringing you a special report for Michael Fiore, Digital Romance Radio. I’m here with 6, well, make it 5 real live men answering questions sent to us by women just like you, might have been you. So let me introduce you to the men who are in our panel today and we’re going to go around and have everyone say your name, your age, your relationship status, and your most embarrassing date. Alright, don’t go into too much detail but maybe just a little thing. So go ahead, let’s start with you, Mark.

Mark: My name’s Mark, I’m 49 and I’m married, and my most embarrassing date took place in a dance club in Florida where each one of us kind of had the wrong idea about what we could do with each other on the date. I’m not going to go any farther than that but mistakes were made, hands were put where they shouldn’t have been put, and things got nasty.

Matt: Alright. Go ahead, Pete.

Pete: I’m Pete, I’m 37, and I’m currently single. My most embarrassing date was when I first moved to Seattle and I took a woman to see a play and she invited along another guy that she was interested in so it became a kind of threesome date and it sort of copped off with kind of disgusting philosophy which I didn’t know anything about and me feeling kind of lame and even worse when I dumped half a cup of hot cider down my front.

Matt: That is embarrassing. Alright, Art.

Art: My name’s Art. I’m 46 and single. I don’t know if it’s a date story as much as just something that’s really tragic. I dated this woman who had a parrot and that parrot one morning was quite successful in piercing my right nostril and that’s as far as I’m going to go into that story.

Matt: Some people pay good money for that.

Yeah, not me
Matt: Arlight. Charles.

Charles: My name’s Charles, I’m 29 years old, I’m in a relationship, and my most embarrassing dating story is: I brought a girl who I met to a fundraising gala thing and all my friends really liked it, date was going really, really well, and then I found out she was 18.

Matt: At least she was 18.

Charles: Least she was 18! But then it was like “Wow I’m wwwaayyy too old for you. You know none of my references.”

Matt: Alright. Pedro.

Pedro: My name is Pedro, I’m 37 years old, I’m single. My embarrassing date story is very similar to this gentleman’s embarrassing date story, so I’ll tell it anyways. I was going, and this was recently, this summer I was going to see Foreigner at the county fair and I was super excited to go out with this girl and when I went to show up to get her there was another gentleman waiting so I had to drive them both to the county fair and all they wanted…and then I tried to lose them but they just wanted to hang out with me all night long and it was horrible, horrible. But Foreigner was awesome so. . .

Matt: Okay well let’s dive right in here. So some of our top questions were about “How do men think?” so women are always interested in learning more about this topic even though there may not be much to it. So let’s start with an easy one. “How do I tell when a man is lying?” And a good way to start with this topic might be to talk about what’s a way that someone can tell when you’re lying, so think about that a little bit.

You want us to give away our secrets?

Matt: That’s what this is all about!

Full disclosure. Earn that card. Well the gaze is important. Usually if someone, I mean I know if I look away rather in someone’s eyes when I’m telling a lie, that’s a pretty good tell. Cause usually I’m pretty straight-forward when I talk with someone, so if I glance down, usually then I’m not saying what I should be saying. So yeah.

Matt: Any other thoughts on that?

Typically lie through omission. Usually I overexplain a lot of things, I get really animated about my conversation, details about what I’m discussing. If you ask me a question, I tend to overly simplify its answer, chances are there’s something I’m omitting that you probably don’t want to hear.

Matt: So you give extraneous details to cover up the fact that you’re…

No, I give extraneous details when I’m telling the truth.

Matt: Okay.

I just, I talk too much, this is just a me personally kind of a thing.

So you’re really succinct when you lie, is that what you’re saying?

Yeah, I’m really to the point, just get to it, be like “yep” and it’s not necessarily lying, but it’s lying through omission. The answer, the full answer to that story is typically not something they want to hear, so I just don’t say it.

I think there’s a telltale pause with me that I’ve become aware of because I try to avoid lying whenever possible, ’cause it’s just a trap you’re going to end up stuck in.

Matt: Are you lying now?

Yes. But there was a pause before I said yes. No, it is something if I’m faced with a question there’s sort of a moment where I have to be like “Am I going to be straightforward with this or am I going to not be straightforward with this?” And I’m sometimes slow on that uptake, so I think that can be a bit of a pause that can be suspicious.

Matt: Okay, alright.

I’m just a terrible liar. I really, really am. I’m just no good at it and I do overcompensate, but I would like to believe that I’ve never really lied to anybody I dated, but I have skirted the truth for miles far and wide.

Matt: What’s the difference between skirting the truth and lying? Like what’s a situation in which skirting the truth is kind of okay?

Oh, you ride that horse right up to the precipice and you pull back on the reins, you know? It turns into…I think maybe some of you guys can vouch for me on this, but there’s a face saving thing. It’s like not so much you’re worried about getting in trouble, it’s you want to save your dignity because you know you’re already screwed. If you are caught in a situation where you are going to find yourself lying about something, then both shoes have already hit the floor.

Matt: Right, so minimizing embarrassment sometimes.

Precisely.

Matt: is a reason that you might lie.

I think damage control.

More damage control more than anything else.

I mean, no one wants to instigate a huge conflict, so you’re going to try and. . . I’m going to try button A see if that works. That doesn’t work I’ll try button B, so you go through a series of steps. Well, sometimes the truth comes out in little bits and pieces as each step you try doesn’t work. So finally it all comes out. You either have the conflict or you try and do one last Hail Mary to try to sort of skirt that. Again to pull the reins.

But honestly unless you’ve got a pathological personality disorder, it’s not a game you enjoy playing.

No.

It’s not pleasant. It’s never going to be a pleasant situation. And this may sound like a lie but. . .
And it may sound well rehearsed. . .
I love lying to strangers cause that’s a fun game right?

Matt: You were going to say something, Charles?

Charles: This is going to sound like a lie, but part of it is some things that you, like the whole lying through omission thing/damage control, is not necessarily for our benefit. There are some things that you know may come out as a lie or you’re saving face for yourself, but in reality there’s some times you will not admit certain things because you don’t’ want to cause that person the embarrassment or the hurt of hearing that truth.

Matt: Does that work? Does it ever work or does it almost always end up…

It can work

Matt: Telling the whole truth eventually anyway?

It can work. I mean, there’s situations where something has been done, and I know I’ve done something, I made a decision that may not have been the best decision or I made a decision that may not be fully in line with how both people in the relationship think, but it’s been done and I know my partner well enough to know that if it comes out, it’s going to be a lot of unnecessary ruckus and pain or whatever so it’s more like “Look, maybe I put myself in a situation that is uncomfortable for me, but I’m not going to let the whole thing out because there’s no need to burden somebody else with my mistake, my wrong decision”. And yeah, it’s a partnership, but I don’t know, I just don’t think there’s a need to lump that on somebody if I can handle it myself. I’d rather try and fix my own problem and spare them the difficulty or the pain of my own screw up rather than say, “Oh I did it,” and then have them get angry and then we’re you know. . . I can figure it out on my own. Maybe that’s a little too independent, but that’s just how I would take it.

Matt: So there’s a place for a certain amount of PR in a relationship.

Yeah.

Matt: Certain amount of damage control.

Spin maybe.

Matt: Have you ever outright lied to somebody in a relationship? Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Are you kidding?

But I will say it’s actually been about 10 years since that’s happened for me.

Kudos.

Yeah.

I think it’s a maturity thing. I do, too. Yeah.

And like it’s like different gravities, you know? Like, I haven’t had a big old serious lie in quite some time, but “Hey where were you today?” “Oh no, I went down and saw a movie.” You know you’re across town.

I date actresses, so it’s like, “You were fantastic tonight.”

“You were on that stage.”

It’s that, “Boy, the costumes were great,” that’s all you can say.

Matt: Well cool, so let’s take a different topic here, let’s have something a little more positive. So again how do you think about this, “What’s the most attractive thing to you in a woman?”

Boy, that’s a toughie.

Now are we going physically or mentally?

Matt: Well it could be either one.

I think it’s kind of a case by case thing.

Cute. They gotta be cute.

What’s your definition of cute?

Cute. Not like hot, cute. Like cute smile, cute eyes, cute.

Matt: What’s the difference between cute and hot?

I don’t know. Like hot is like LA hot. That’s what I’m thinking.

Superficial?

Stereotypical. Superficial.

I don’t like that. Like I like cute. Do you know what I mean? Dimples and just smiles and eyes and, you know.

Tentacles.

No tentacles, but there must be eyeballs.

You know, for me it’s, I like hot but it’s prefaced by “is there chemistry?” And hot without chemistry, it won’t work. You know, I have a very wide range of female types that I like, very wide spectrum, and you know I might approach a woman if I think she’s very attractive physically and make an overture to get to know her better. And you know, I’ve done that in the past and if there has not been anything there then, move on. You know, I don’t care how she looks then. ’Cause there has to be some kind of chemistry there. ’Cause you know I can fall in love or have fallen in love with a wide range of different physical types and usually it’s because there’s been that thing there, that spark, whether it’s personality, intelligence; so it’s a complete package. It’s not that simple really. If you want to boil it down to one thing, legs, physical, whatever, but I don’t think it’s that simple really, we’re too complex for that.

Matt: I think you should run for office. I will.

Matt: Who has a simple answer to this question? What’s most attractive in a woman?

What’s funny is it’s never the stereotypical things that like people say or “Oh, that’s so hot on a chick,” like big tits or nice ass or something like that.

Although those are hot.

They are definitely helpful, but it’s sometimes it’s the strangest thing that will turn your head. Really all it is, is having something about you that makes me turn my head, you know? It’s a laugh that I hear across the room. When we’re sitting around a table and you’re explaining something you’re passionate about, the way your face lights up or how your eyes look. It’s. . . each person is different. I mean, every person I’ve ever been attracted to, it’s been for a different reason.

I mean I can be attracted to, I don’t know, 200 women a day, but I mean what, for me, usually it’s like some quirk to the personality is what’s going to hook me and actually make me want more than just the looks that maybe caught my attention initially.

But I think also, it’s like there’s a difference between the person you find attractive because you want to be in a relationship with them or attempt to date them or just that woman you want to take home and bed. I mean the woman you want to take home and sleep with tends to be a little more superficial. Not necessarily all physical beauty but. . .

Matt: Like a more superficial person or your attraction to her is more superficial?

Attraction tends to be more superficial. It’s been a long time since that’s even been in the ball park of my world. I think everybody goes through that slut phase where they’re like just want to pop a couple out but you know it’s. . .

Or 20.

Or 20. Come on man, give me a little anonymity here. But it’s like you tend to go, people tend to have physical types that they are physically attracted to that don’t necessarily add up to somebody you want to date but you know, there’s a certain physical type that turns your head. Not everybody’s aware of it. I don’t know. I love me a curvy woman.

Matt: Single guys, what about you? Art? Pedro? What’s your opinion on this?

You know, I strangely like vocal quality. It’s something that I’m attracted to. So like if somebody has a real like nasally annoying voice, I would never ever want to even talk to them. And I tend to date singers, so I love somebody who has a nice vocal quality. I don’t know it’s just like super, just for me right?

Matt: That’s actually an answer I’ve never heard before.

Yeah, it’s lovely.

No, but like it’s funny like, every girl I’ve ever really been serious about has a really amazing voice, so it’s like…and not necessarily a singer, but just like something about their voice is significant.

I found I like them witty and cute. And cute is a wide spectrum. Cute can be petite and cute can be curvy. And I’ve you know, women of those physical qualities have turned me on because there’s a convergence of their smarts and their wit and you know the occasional colorful pop culture reference, just, “Oohhh yeah.” You know.

It’s like a nerd joke. Boing!
Come to daddy.

Yeah, but I am smaller guy, and I’ve found that I have been attracted to women who are closer to my height range. I look at women who are over 5’6″,7,8 and I think, “Well, they’re lovely, but you know my ear hits them at their hip bone and this is never going to work.” And in turn I’ve had tall women literally and metaphorically look down their nose at me because they’re not going to be attracted to me so I gave that up a long time ago.

Matt: Yeah, cool. Alright. This is great, thanks for your honesty guys. So one more question on this topic, “How do men think.” So at the end of a relationship, I assume you’ve all broken up with someone at some point in your life, or maybe you’ve only been broken up with, but what do you think about when you’ve just broken up with a woman? What’s going through your mind?

Who am I going to have sex with next?

I agree.

To be honest, because you have your list.

Matt: Right.

I don’t know about you guys, but I have my list.

That’s fortunate for you.

Especially if I’ve been dating somebody for a while, I’m like, “Okay, if I ever break up with this person, I’m totally going to try to get with that girl.” So I have my list and then I go through my list and hopefully I’m successful.

Matt: Alright.

It’s a healing. . . it’s all about healing.

I think it’s the first time we all had the same answer to a question.

What is the first thing we think about? Get laid.

Well you’ve also been sleeping with the same person for a long time, and I’m ready to move on at this point.

And it’s sort of a way to mark the occasion.

Yeah. It’s getting that final physical closure. It’s like I have officially moved on to something else. Emotionally I may not, I’m definitely not there. I’ve always noticed about myself that it takes longer for the emotional side of it to get over it but physically, it’s like within the day, I could be sleeping with somebody else.

Wow. Good for you.

See, I have to sort of throw a curve onto that cause I’m not that way at all. I mean, for one thing, I think it does depend on if you are dumping or if you’re being dumped what the reaction is because with the one you’re going to go into a place of deep rejection and then yeah, I might go out and try to find someone to sleep with just because I want to feel better about myself. But generally if I’m actually the dumper then I sort of, I will usually pull back and actually just go to a me place and just try to get back in touch with myself. Not in a masturbation way. . . I know what you guys were thinking. Just where you’re figuring out. . . My eloquent point was going to be though, that point I’m going to a place where I try to figure out, okay I’ve been with this person for this period of time, where do they stop and where do I begin now? What is actually me, and what was the influence of this person on me? And try to get back to the actual core of myself.

Matt: Okay.

Art, what were you going to say?

Art: Well, I think in either case, it’s a comfort thing. And I think different men seek different kinds of comfort, whether it’s you who instigated the breakup or it was foisted upon you. But I’ve always found myself seeking some kind of comfort, whether it be with someone else or alone time, but it’s a tough healing process because if you’re splitting up with someone, there’s the guilt. Unless it was something that was just freaking toxic, and then you feel like you just simply need to be medicated and go through a period of bed rest and recovery.

Drink, in other words.

Art: Well there you go. But again, that’s comfort.

Matt: So let’s take it back to the beginning of the relationship. Let’s say you’re just starting out in a relationship: how do you know that you’ve gone past just the dating stage and gotten into something more serious? What’s the dividing line there?

I’m terrible at figuring that out.

I’m awful.

It sneaks up on you. You really don’t know.

Yeah, you’re there before you really know it. I would say there’s no way to pin it down.

For me, it’s if I want to stay after sex. Like if I want to have breakfast in the morning, like go out for breakfast, that’s a tell for me. That’s like, “Oh wow, I’m interested in this person.” But if not, I’m like, “See you later!”

It’s usually when I pull up with the U-Haul. No, it’s when I’m really excited about who this person is and I want them to meet my people.

See, I use my people as a testing ground.

Matt: And are you doing that because you’re excited about them, or are you just uncertain?

No, because I am a horrible judge of women. Horrible judge.

So you will bring a woman along to an event where you know a lot of friends are going to be there just to test her out?

Yeah. Get a second opinion on it cause I’ll be, I’m traditionally attracted to basket cases. So it’s. . . but you know it’s nice to have that second opinion. And then really especially the way that, whenever I’m single, I tend to be in a very physical relationships more often than not. More friends with benefits and then I’ll sometimes just end up realizing that I’ve been dating one of them for a while. And all of a sudden, “Oh I’m dating somebody now, oh okay, alright, she’s cool.” I don’t know, I’ve never been one for just a superficial bang, but . . . where am I going with this?

Matt: This is another question that got asked is “How do you escape a friends with benefits situation without ending the friendship? Is that possible?”

It’s possible. I’ve done it before. You have to be honest.

From the beginning. Say, “Listen, this is just this and that’s it and we’re friends and I don’t want to mess that up, but I do want to fuck you sometimes.” You know, it’s just honesty.

And people have to know if either one wants to step away from it, it’s going to have to be okay. And you’re going to have to be okay being the instigator and being the one left behind. You might not be done with it yet and they are, vice versa. Either way, it’s gotta be clear from the beginning that that’s just the way it is.

It’s kind of hard to know if the person you’re being a friend-with-benefit, in that, you know the person you’re in that situation with, if they get it.

If you get it. If you’re both on the same page. People may say that they get it. They’re like, “Oh yeah, totally, it’s just a sex thing,” and then a week later, “Alright see you later,” and then they’re devastated and you feel horrible because you were honest from the beginning.

It’s tricky. It’s a real minefield to walk through, but sometimes it’s really worth it.

It depends on how good a friend it is, you know what I mean? If you’re going to enter into the Friends with Benefits contract, like if that person is a really good friend, then I would think real hard about that.

Matt: Is that just because it’s an inherently emotional thing to be having sex with someone and it’s hard to keep it, one person’s always going to go farther with it than the other person emotionally and it just is hard to manage, or why is that?

I think, for me, friends are more important than a random fuck, personally. You know? And if I have a good friend, especially a good lady friend, I would like to keep that lady friend, you know what I mean? And I would not like. . . I don’t want to mess it up for anything. So if this person is a great friend, then this is conversation time. Or just whatevs, just get it off with some lady you just met. New friend, get over here.

I am always self conscious about ruining a perfectly good friendship, you know? There have been a couple of times where years and years later I have a really lovely friendship with that person, but everything, the rules are all in place. There’s no going back to that point in time, and I do have friendships with women that go back 15, 20 years that were a benefits thing and that I have regrets over, but we’ve come around the corner to a friendship I’m really proud of, but I would never go back with that person. I don’t want to. I don’t want to ruin that perfectly good friendship.

That’s the thing, it’s always going to alter the friendship.

Sometimes it can alter it for the positive, and friendships can actually get stronger.

I agree it’s going to take a little time probably. It takes a lot of time.

I mean that’s the danger of it. Even if the friendship lasts, it’s always going to be altered.

That’s why I think the term “friends with benefits” is a misnomer. Friendship is a relationship. If you believe in friendships, friendships are as much work as an intimate romantic relationship can be, so I’m just not good at the superficial fuck anymore.

You kind of lose steam on it.

I mean, I’ve got plenty of steam. I’ve got a whole lot of steam, don’t get me wrong there.

Matt: So has anyone done any online dating?

Yes.

No.

Yeah.

Never.

Matt: So some yes, some no. So what, any “Yeah, I love online dating”…? No one?

Online dating, to me, is too much like the radio. You can come to a song you like, and it’s like “Oh, I like this song, except what am I missing? What else might be on?” There’s just so many options, and I think it’s really hard. You go out with somebody, and I’ve never had an online date that went to a second, that has not happened for me yet, and even when there was a good connection, it just, I don’t know, I mean every single one is essentially a blind date. Every single one has that quality to it.

And there was a while there where I swore, I was really offended by the pay sites because I, over a period of like 2 1/2 years, I realized I was being exploited for my loneliness in a lot of ways because whatever this freaking site was, it was not even matching me with anyone who was remotely compatible with me because these people were flakes. It was terrible. It was like, “This is who you. . . you’re going to match me from the inside out? You just matched me with a flakey zombie! What the hell?!?”

I had horrible luck with online dating. Nothing ever panned out in a successful manner. Like no matter who I contacted, I always felt like I was being blown off as some guy who was just trying to get laid. I had horrible luck with every person I contacted. It’s like I was legitimately giving it a shot. You know, “Hey how,’s it going?” It’s like you never try to initiate that conversation: you always fail at it. At least I did. Maybe you were more eloquent. It sounds like you actually had more success that I did.

Matt: And have you ever come across those folks in the real world who snubbed you on say, OKCupid or some place like that?

No.

I came across some people who ignore me completely, but I think it was just because I happened upon them, like, “Oh, I kinda know this person in the real world.”

Well, there’s that too.

Yeah. That’s always an awkward thing. That’s very awkward.

Live in a community long enough, and you start to getting matched with people that you actually know from a given community and that’s really awkward.

Sometimes you send a message back and forth that’s like “ha ha,” but we’re not. . . Anyway.

Or you try to break the ice with them and that’s even freaking worse ’cause you happen to be at the same party with that person the next week and you’re like, “Well how do I talk to you because you freaking snubbed me on OKCupid?”

With me it was also the question, “Do I initiate conversation with this person? Is this something we talk about in the real world? Is this person even proud of the fact that they’re online dating? Is this something they want brought up in their friend circle?”

But I actually met two people now who have been introduced to me by a friend, and that person will say, “You look really familiar,” and I will say, “Yeah, we got matched on OKCupid.” “Oh, did you send me a note?” “Yes, I did.”

I wish they could record your face when you were telling that story because that was awesome.

Matt: Well, I gotta ask the question because we gotta take up a bunch of time. . . What did you look for in someone’s profile? Or in a Facebook profile when you’re looking for someone that you are going to potentially initiate a romantic connection with? Is there anything that stands out at some point?

I’ll be honest and I know this is kind of terrible in a way, but I look at the pictures first.

Oh sure.

Yeah.

’Cause I need to find the person attractive. And then after that I go to the profile and I read through it, and I tend to first start with what they’re looking for ’cause if I don’t fit that, then I don’t want to read any more. Because I think people, especially when you’re online dating, you can be so specific, and you can fit 19 of their 20 points, but if you don’t hit that twentieth point, you know there’s going to be 15 other people on the site that do.

What? You’re not an astronaut?

You don’t like cats?

The snowboarding thing is killing me! For some reason I keep getting matched up with people who snowboard, and it’s like, “God, I don’t want to do that.”

Sounds horrible, I’m glad I never tried it.

Getting to meet face to face is tough enough. Take that extra level backwards and we’re going to go even farther to get to a place where we can connect. Make it through the online curtain first and then over the electronic wall and then maybe we can meet face to face.

That’s the thing! Once you go through the profile, then it’s the emails back and forth, which some people can go like…I’ve had ones that are like 8-10 emails and never resulted in a date, and it’s like, “Why are we emailing back and forth, let’s just meet!” We’re not going to know anything until we actually meet face to face, but there’s a lot of trepidation on actually getting to that face to face level with a lot of people, so they just want to feel you out on email a lot.

And I…

You could be a murderer.

Exactly.

But you’re not going to find out until you meet face to face. Really, honestly.

Yeah, yeah.

I actually checked “no murderers” on my profile. That’s just what a murderer would do!

I didn’t realize that was an option!

Matt: Art, what were you going to say?

Art: For a long time, I tried to explore as much, as lengthy a period of patience as need be to do that feeling out process of emails back and forth, but Pete is right in that sometimes it’s just a dead end. And I did want to share that, ironically, the last woman I went out with that I met online who I liked very, very much didn’t have pictures up. She had pictures of her artwork and pictures of landscapes she’d been to, and I just found her emails to be really, really charming, and we hit it off and we went out for about a month. But that really, really surprised me because I was a little leery. I’m like, “Okay, going into this, I could be conversing with a man. Or someone who is in an iron lung. Someone who’s not going to be physically attractive to me.” And when she did finally send me pictures, I was ecstatic. I thought she was gorgeous, but that’s not a common situation.

Matt: Alright. So pictures are important. What they’re looking for is important. And then it sounds like being a little more willing to take a risk and meet someone would produce better results instead of trying to…

Well, life is short. I want to cut to the chase in terms of that. I really don’t think you can get to know someone well through. . .

Matt: So let’s broaden it and talk beyond online dating.

And Matt slashing.

Matt: Yes. How does a woman keep a guy interested beyond the first date? Is it just purely chemistry and there’s nothing they can do about it, or are there things that you’ve noticed that lead to a second date or are consistent throughout your dating experiences?

Taking an interest, a real interest in your life as much as you are in hers goes a long way.

Common ground.

Yeah, if you really feel like someone is listening to you when you’re talking about the things that are important to you, if you’re doing the same to her, if it’s equal, then I think that will go a long way. Someone remembers a thing you’re talking about.

Yeah, I would totally agree with that. If I’m out on a date with someone and then a couple days later one or the other of us will like email a link like, “Hey you mentioned this, and I thought you might think this was cool.” That kind of thing, and that’s usually a sign we’re going to get together.

Yeah, and even if you don’t like what that person likes, are you willing to give it a shot? Know what I mean?

Yeah, absolutely.
“Hey, I know I’m not a hiker, but I would love to go hiking with you,” “Are you interested in tango lessons?”

I just say, as long as they don’t creep the shit out of you, be up for that second date. Honestly. I mean, if it’s awkward as hell, they’re horrible, or they’re godawful. Not that you don’t know what to say, it’s like trying to find that common ground in things you can talk about is always really awkward. And as long as you’re not worried that they’re not going to stab you when you’re asleep after you get home that night, try a second date. Give it a go! You can never get an accurate read on a person after one date.

No. You can’t.

Matt: Is that something that you’re willing to do? Do you go and try to do a second date with someone, like always, as long as they’re not crazy?

Yeah.

I tend to, like I said before, that whole screening through my friends thing. I tend to do more social situations than one-on-one dating. I personally find it a lot easier to be able to open up and be more relaxed in a situation. You throw me in a one-on-one first date situation, I’m awkward as hell. I suck at it. That’s why I’m like “Go for a second date! Yes!” because 9 times out of 10, I will blow that first date. It will be a horrible train wreck.

Matt: Alright. Let’s move on to a topic that is a famous topic of male/female interactions, which is communication. Now we we’re a pretty open group of guys here, pretty sensitive it seems like, but you’re going to hear some questions here that you’ve probably heard before in pop culture, but let’s go there anyway. One of our women wrote in and said, “My boyfriend said I don’t understand him, but he won’t tell me what he’s thinking. What do I do?” Is this something you ever encounter?

Is she really listening to what he’s saying? I mean, maybe that’s the way he wants her to find out what he’s thinking. I don’t really know. I think a lot of guys are like that. They’re not going to just list for you point by point how they’re feeling, how they’re thinking. It’s more about, “Look what I’m doing, listen to what I’m saying as I’m saying it. That’s who I am.” I know that always seemed to work for me when I was dating.

Matt: What about now? What about now in the marriage?

Now I think it works well, too. I try to be as open and clear just doing what I do. My intentions are simple when I do the things I do for my wife, and I think she gets it. There really isn’t a lot of miscommunication. When there is, it’s usually over something ridiculously simple like doing the dishes or something, or not hearing what she said. But the important stuff, yeah, it. . .

Well I think it really depends on where you are in that relationship, because if the guy is a moody tulip and the woman is always asking, “what’s wrong?” or “what’s going on?” or “tell me what you’re thinking?” and he refuses to disclose, there’s a problem there. But sometimes I do believe it’s the female part of the party still trying to learn about what that guy’s internal process is. Guys are not good at being open books. I think that’s the whole men are from Mars thing. And sometimes it’s simply that you may think there’s an issue going on and there really isn’t. I’m just bummed that my motorcycle broke down, something like that. Men and women do evaluate things emotionally on different planes and it’s hard to get together on that.

Matt: Pedro you agree?

Pedro: You know, it’s funny. In a communication aspect, I am highly communicative. So essentially I’m more akin to a female in the sense that I will tell this person exactly what I’m thinking almost all the time. But I just dated somebody who was very “male”, and who did not tell me what she was thinking, and found it very hard and very difficult to communicate how she was feeling at this certain moment. And then it would take days. I’d be like, “Tell me how you feel.” “Okay, well tell me when you feel like you can tell me how you feel.” But sometimes it would take 3 or 4 days, sometimes literally a year later, she’s like “Remember when we talked about that thing? This is how I felt.” I’m like, “What the fuck you tell me now?! I don’t care, now. Happened a year ago.”

She processed it. It took that long.

Yeah, it’s a process right? Some people it takes different lengths of time to process this information. Can they even answer that question right now? They might not be able to.

I can think of several times when I’ve been asked that question. The answer is “I don’t really know.” Like I know what feelings are.

Matt: Like what are you thinking?

What are you feeling? What are you thinking? Things like that and I’m like, “I know I’m thinking I’m in a bad mood or whatever, or I’m feeling rather bad, but I don’t necessarily know why.” And you don’t necessarily want to vocalize what you’re feeling or thinking because you don’t want the other person to be like “Well this is on me. This is either because of me or it’s my job to fix.” When it may be just something like the things are piling up in my brain and I need a second to route through them.

So sometimes it’s not always a question your emotional availability, it’s putting your thumb on precisely what it is.

Exactly, yeah.

Matt: Your emotions aren’t available even to you. It’s not like you have a ready answer.

Let’s write that down, that’s good.

I’m going to throw this in the mix: I hate that question. “What are you feeling? What are you thinking?” It’s a minefield.

Rephrase it.

What are you thinking about X? What do you want for lunch?

Matt: Why do you hate the question, Charlie?

Charles: I hate the question because: one, it’s a loaded question. If somebody’s asking you that question, she’s already in the mindset that something is wrong. That something you’re doing is wrong. So I almost feel when somebody asks me that question, I’m already on the defensive.

But she’s not, though, right? She just wants to know how you’re feeling. I’m saying that from a female point of view.

Why? Why does she want to know how you’re feeling? Can’t she just look at you and be with you and determine how you’re feeling by interacting with you instead of interrogating you about it? That’s what it feels like at times. It’s like, “Well why are you asking me that? Did I do something that pissed you off, upset you, confused you, whatever? I thought I was being myself. That should be enough if I’m clear about it.” But yeah, like Charles here, I go on the defensive.

And not necessarily defensive to the point of lashing back or starting, just feeling awkward about it. No matter what your response is, you feel awkward about it. It’s like, “Oh, what am I thinking? What am I feeling? Now I have to quantify how that is immediately because I have to give an answer.”

Right now I’m feeling concerned.

Matt: Why did you steal those Red Vines? Like, “Did I steal those Red Vines?”

But I always feel like if that question needs to be asked, then there’s something else going on.

Yeah.

What that is, I have no idea. It could be a million things, but I always feel that question is a wrong way to broach something that’s awkward. Something is awkward if I need to ask this question, “What are you thinking about? How ya feeling?”

It could really be more about the woman saying, “I’m feeling this way about how you’re acting, is there a reason for it?” That seems to be what they’re trying to get at: they have an impression that you’re doing something that is not in line with what they think is right or how you should be acting, and you know if the question were put in that way, I would be more responsive than just, “How are you feeling? What are you thinking?” I was watching TV.

And I don’t know, maybe it’s just because I’ve been on the other side of the coin, where I’ve wanted to ask that question and have asked that question, “What are you thinking? What’s going on?” And my mindset when I did ask that question was, “You’re acting strange, something is wrong. I’m feeling like I potentially have done something wrong, so I want to ask this question to figure out what it is.” So it may be just because my mindset when I ask that question is that I’m probing for an answer that there’s something wrong, so when I hear the question I feel, “Oh, there’s something wrong.” I don’t know.

Matt: What do you think, Pete?

Pete: I already answered.

Matt: What do you think, Art?

Art: Well, I appreciated what Mark said in that it may very well not be about you at that moment. It is actually what the woman is ponder- ing or what she is feeling. And he’s absolutely right. There are times where it’s really not about you, she’s asking that question but she really wants something to get opened, there’s something with her that needs to be opened up and processed. As opposed to within you. But I also agree with Charles in that that question is a minefield, and I think the most positive outcomes in that kind of situation have been when I keep putting the ball in other court because I know I’m a very available person. You ask me how I’m feeling, I’m going to tell you, but if I tell you what’s going on with me and that’s not the response you’re looking for, then we have a problem. And that I think a lot of us have dealt with more times than not in a context like that.

I think it also depends on where in the relationship phase that’s coming up. If it’s a newer relationship, then people are going to be more distant because you’re kinda guarding your heart. You’re not sure if you’re putting it out there yet. Whereas if it’s a relationship that’s sort of past that 6 month mark, then you know at that point you should be starting to figure out how you communicate with each other and hopefully that question isn’t necessary.

As much as I’d like for that question to go away forever, it won’t. We’ll be asked it a million times ’til the end of eternity. What I would like is the other person to be willing to accept, “I don’t know.”

Agreed.

Okay. Sometimes, just accept the statement of “I don’t know.” Maybe whatever we’re thinking about hasn’t been processed by us yet, so we’re not ready to tell you because we are afraid of what your response is, we know that whatever our response is at this moment will have a negative reaction, we just need time to process whatever’s going on. It could be what Pete was saying earlier: I really don’t know. I have no idea what’s going on right now and I kinda just want to to tinker it around in my brain and figure it out. Just be willing to accept that, the “I don’t know” answer to that question.

I think it’s contextualizing the questions. That’s a word, right?

Sure.

Sure. Not necessarily “What are you feeling?” but “What are you feeling about this?” “What do you think about this?” Be specific, and I think that makes it easier for me to be specific.

“How do you feel about cheese?”

Matt: Okay, so taking it out of the person to person realm and thinking about modern forms of communication like email, text messages, that kind of thing, do you ever find disconnects in your communication styles or depth with those things? Either in a long term relationship or dating or short term relationship or whatever?

Mark: No, as far as being married. My wife and I can actually use more of a shorthand often in emails and know exactly what the other means. It’s just gotten better, gotten easier over time. And it’s more fun ’cause you’ve got inside jokes and things you can just say a single word and they’re like, “Ha. Yeah, I know that.” It’s nice.

Matt: Alright. So for people who are not as happily married as Mark?

My last girlfriend and I, we had to pull back from emailing ’cause we were always miscommunicating when we tried to email. I tend to be really sardonic in emails, but I hate doing the winkie emoticon crap. I hate that shit, but I had to adopt it. If they don’t hear my voice, if they don’t hear my sense of humor, then things can get completely misconstrued, and emails can go back and forth throughout the day. So you’ve had like this long conversation by the time you next see each other and realize, “Wow, we were from completely different camps on that one,” and just missing each other completely.

Yeah, I’ve had to adopt this whole new like digital empathy because I have accidentally started so many fires by unintentionally glib or terse texts or emails, and I’ve always thought the emoticons were cheesy. And I fall back on them now. I fall back on them professionally because I’m afraid. I look at what I’ve written, I think, “Okay that could be interpreted in about 3 dozen different ways, so I better pop a smiley face on there so they know I’m being funny!” ’Cause otherwise it’s going to implode on me. But I think the testament of a strong relationship is the language shorthand where you know you want to get to that point where you have a language of your own. I’m a romantic, I’m gonna say shit like that.

Matt: What about you Pedro?

Pedro: I think we’re in a strange time when text messaging is the way people communicate and emails and phone communication is very difficult for a lot people, especially a lot of younger people. So I think people should work on their phone skills. You know what I mean? ’Cause you talk to people and you should talk on the phone to people, and email, it’s not everything. That’s what I think. I mean, text messaging is fun and yada yada yada, you can say whatever you want and it’s just like “I don’t really care” bum bum bum “What are you wearing?” la la la la “I’m wearing this” la la la la. Like who cares? But would you say it on the telephone? I don’t know.

And also the point with a phone is there’s a very definite end to the conversation, where with an email or text it can be left hanging and you don’t generally text, “I’m not going to text you anymore after this message” and so the other person may be waiting for your response when you’re like, “Actually, I’m done. I have other things I need to get done.”

And you know what they mean. And you know if they’re grumpy. And you know if they’re being funny and if you don’t know they’re being funny then you should probably not be dating them, you know what I mean? That’s the thing.

Matt: So here’s another issue of communication that sometimes causes friction between men and women. And this may be more of an issue for people who are in long term relationships, but financial security, money, those kinds of questions. How do you talk about those things? And how can a woman bring up those kinds of topics? I think that this question came from someone who is dating someone and wants to know more about that aspect of his ability to provide, and doesn’t want to offend him. But what are your thoughts on that issue in terms of communication?

There are a lot of different schools of thought on that. Some say that you should both have your own separate accounts, you should have your money that you spend on the things that you want. I tend to think that you should have that plus you should have a communal account that covers the basics, covers the things you need to have. I think you should each have your separate thing: one for the daily needs and that will take care of a lot of the confusion. As individuals we’re all going to have things we want that another person won’t necessarily understand why, and calling somebody out for doing that if it doesn’t affect the finances that help you both survive is an unnecessary move. I think you should have some mad money to do with what you want, as long as you make sure you’ve got money to take care of both your needs. I think that’s fine, and don’t worry about the other stuff. Again, I think there are things you’re never going to understand why someone wants this thing but they do. Let them spend the money. It’s not your problem, it’s theirs. Long as it doesn’t take money away from what you need, fine.

Matt: I’m over here taking notes, man.

It works, believe me it does.

Matt: Any other thoughts on that?

I don’t know, I think it’s a different world today, financially. Where in the past it was “Oh, I’m looking for this person to provide for me,” but that’s not necessarily how it is these days. Because most of the girls I’ve dated made more money than me. And maybe it’s because I’m a broke actor, but whatever. But maybe you shouldn’t look for me to provide for you financially because I probably won’t be able to. And I don’t know, I don’t know if this is TMI.

No such thing.

No I don’t think so.

It shouldn’t be about, “Can this person provide for me?” Yeah, it shouldn’t be about that.

What about love?

But it’s not about money.

It’s a deal breaker for a lot of women nowadays.

It shouldn’t be.

It’s unfortunate but it is.

That just pisses me off.

It shouldn’t be. Like all the money I have I will spend it on you.

Well, precisely.

All the money I have, I will, but it might not be as much as you want to be spent on you.

The last time I was in a lengthy relationship, we had 2 separate bank accounts and we shared financial responsibility for rent, bills, and things like that. We saved together to take trips, and that was awesome because I felt inspired. I’m terrible at saving money, but I saved money so we could do something together, and that was really lovely and that worked out very, very well. However, when at the end of that relationship, she bullet-pointed several things that she did not like about our relationship, and one of them was my finances. Well, I’m an artist, I don’t make any money, honey. You knew that going into this! And maybe that’s why I’m still harping on the fact that it’s a deal breaker for a lot of women, cause I’ve looked down that barrel.

But then, at the same, I know we keep saying that it shouldn’t be an issue how much money you’re making, but I still have that instilled inside of me from when I grew up very old fashioned, where the man provides for the woman. And I know it’s a bunch of crap, but it’s still hard wired in my system to the point where the girl I’ve been dating and living with for a while now, she makes more money than I do, so when it comes to paying bills and stuff like that, we split the cost. But when it comes to the things that we do for fun, she always has more money than me, and whenever she spends money on me, I feel like shit.

You’re not pulling your weight.

Like I’m not pulling my weight. Exactly that. But if the roles were reversed, I would have no problem with it.

This is a loaded table here on that question.

I have a lot of female friends, and they’ve gotten mad at me when I’ve said “Well, finances are something that women look at when they consider people datable,” and something I am sensitive about right now because I work full time, but it’s not a high paying job. It’s not as high paying as jobs I’ve had in the past, so I’m pretty sensitive about that right now in my life. And I think, well it’s not necessarily about finances as it is about experiences because a woman may not need me to treat her to expensive dinners or something like that, if we end up in a relationship. I want to be able to, and I’m sure she wants to be able to have experiences like going on trips or going out sailing or something like that, or going to a B&B somewhere out on Orcas Island or something. And it’s harder to do things like that when you are not making that much money. It’s tricky when you just address it as finances, but if you think about it in terms of “I’d like to go out to dinner with you at this restaurant, but that’s really not in my budget right now,” I think would be a pretty big deal breaker.

There are lots of fun things to do with no money, you know what I mean? I’ve discovered many of them.

I don’t know if it’s a factor of age, because when I was younger it wasn’t an issue, it was never an issue. The older I got, the more I bumped into it.

I think that’s absolutely true.

You know what I call that? It’s the drummer’s ex-girlfriend syndrome. Because especially if you’re in the arts, you are still living that life. You are probably more fiscally responsible, you are more emotionally mature and responsible, but you still have that pall about you. You’re like the flaky drummer who’s gonna be sleeping on my floor until you can find a roommate or something like that. And I felt very strongly that I started running into women who were like, “Oh yeah, you’re an artist. I’m really not interested,” because they’ve been burned before.

There’s a big difference, though, between actor and band guy. There’s a big separate thing there.

Matt: I’m sure they’re going to say the same thing about musicians.

Right. The musicians won’t show up. . .

Matt: Okay, so let’s talk about work. We got an interesting question: a woman wrote in and asked, “What are some ideas about appropriate boundaries at work? Obviously there’s manuals on this kind of stuff, but a woman’s working with guys, what should she do or not do when she’s working with guys?”

Wow.

Matt: Those of you with jobs.

He means traditional jobs, where you go into an office and you sit down at a desk.

In terms of if she wants to make an overture toward a guy she finds attractive or she just wants to be one of the guys? I mean. . .

Matt: Yeah, how do you deal with that in a workplace? Have any of you ever dealt with that before? Attractions at work. Do you think that the rules are different for men and women in that situation?

I think the general rule should be wait until they go to a different office before you do anything.

What should be and what actually happens are totally different things.

I think doing things in the workplace, making overtures in the workplace is a bad idea. Get outside of the workplace. Get to know them as an individual outside of the job and see if it’s even worth pursuing. Because who people are at work is a little different than who they are outside of work in my experience. So you may be talking to someone completely different when you get them outside the workplace. If a woman is interested, say “Hey let’s get together after work maybe, with a bunch of other people.”

“Bunch of us are going to get a beer, wanna go?”

That’s perfect. You can suss things out, you can get an idea of how they are in a social situation. I think it’s the safest way to deal with that kind of thing.

Still a bad idea.

It’s a horrible idea, I agree.

I try to be very careful, I try to be very mindful of what I was doing and it was a slow courtship. Ultimately, it was not a relationship that I, in retrospect, should have pursued. Not that we were not compatible, but because that job consumed my entire energy, life energy, I was not meeting anyone anywhere else, and I felt like we had enough in common. I quit the job and our relationship lasted and we were living together at the time, and our relationship lasted probably another 6 months before it just totally went sour. I would say don’t do it, But the bottom line is that the opportunity to meet people is pared back because of our work day lives anymore.

It’s like that’s the only place you’re meeting people anymore.

Unless you’re going out to a club or bar every night after work, but who can do that?

Who can do that anymore?!?!

It’s impossible.

I wasn’t doing that anymore, you just don’t have the energy. And, like Art said, and Pedro agreed, your job becomes your life. Those are the people you know, those are the people you hang out with, so that’s where you’re going to find someone that you meet and want to be with, more than likely, so what are you going to do? I mean yeah, it’s a bad idea, goes south but. . .

Your options are just so limited it’s. . .

You can’t meet people in bars anymore because any guy who tries to talk to a girl at a bar is an automatic creep and he’s trying to get laid. You’re an automatic jerk no matter what you say, you’re a creep. And then there’s the online dating, we’ve all discussed about how tragically that worked out for us but that’s really the only place you’re going to meet anybody. It’s a horrible idea, but what can you do?

You can try and compartmentalize it if things go south, it’s the best you can do.

See that’s what I can’t imagine: having a bad, bad relationship in the workplace. That’s just a walking nightmare.

You’re going to see that person every day.

Matt: Has that ever happened to anybody here?

Yup.

Oh sure.

Matt: How did you deal with it?

She got fired, it was actually kind of nice. But there was a couple of months where it was really awkward.

That’s a slow bullet you dodged there.

I mean I’ve always been really good at compartmentalizing that kind of stuff. It’s like “Oh hey, we gotta work together, whatever, yeah, we broke up, you may hate me personally, but professionally we still gotta make this work”. I’ve always been really good at that. And in this situations she was not. She wasn’t very good at compartmentalizing. She was a bitch all the time, she was mad at me, it was horrible. Which I think eventually got her fired.

Guys, would you say that we’re better at compartmentalizing things in general?

I think that’s a general. . . Sex for sure.

I have to disagree with that. I don’t think any particular gender is better or worse at compartmentalization.

I would agree with that.

You know I think stereotypically, yes we are better at compartmentalizing, but I think that’s a bunch of crap.

I’ve known plenty of women that can be just absolutely completely cold and detached.

Clinical, yeah.

I’m borderline OCD so I can’t compartmentalize anything, it’s all a mish-mash for me.

Matt: So if this happened to you at work, it would be a serious issue for you.

I would probably have to quit. I can see it either being a really, really, unpleasant scene for me. Either if I was the instigator of the break up or the recipient, I would probably have to leave.

My advice to this woman is, go for it because your options are limited as far as meeting people, but you’re playing with fire, lady!

Do it.

Life is short, just do it.

But polish up your resume.

So after 15 minutes of talking about what a bad idea it is, our ultimate advice is go for it.

That’s what everybody does right?

It doesn’t matter how much good advice you give yourself, you’re still going to make the bad choices

Just think about it. Know what you’re getting into.

And see if you can get transferred somewhere else in the company, just for argument’s sake. Like is this possible, boss? Okay cool.

Just don’t let her know you’re setting up that back door.

Matt: Do you think there’s an asymmetry, another 25 cent word there, between men and women in the workplace in terms of dating? Do you think there’s expectations about how one gender ought to behave in that kind of situation compared to others?

I think as a guy you’re definitely walking on eggshells even more than women. Even when you make the first move.

Well it’s the same thing as when I was discussing the approach in the bar. It’s like you’re automatically wrong. No matter what you’re doing, you’re automatically wrong. It’s what translates to everywhere else in the dating scene. As men, when it comes to the initiation, we’re always down the wrong side of things.

But you know, whether we’re hardwired that way or we’re culturally trained, that’s what we do. I mean, we think, “Well I gotta do something. I gotta go in and take action.”

“How is anything going to happen if somebody doesn’t do anything, I better go do it.”

I personally love it when a woman talks to me first. So do I.

It’s amazing!

Yeah, do that ladies!

That’s my advice to the lady at the job! Just hit on him, make it obvious, ask him out, initiate. Guys love it.

Make it really obvious, cause dudes don’t know. We’re morons.

You have to make it obvious. But not too obvious.

Matt: To that point, how important do you think confidence is generally as a characteristic in terms of attractiveness? Is that super attractive to you or less attractive or. . . ?

It’s super attractive.

Totally attractive. I mean as attractive as a woman being coy and kind of shy is at times, confidence wins out every time.

I mean boyfriend confidence right? That’s why you’re always attracted to girls with boyfriends. “Oh, you got boyfriend confidence.”

It’s super cool. We can chat and there’s like no like ulterior motives ’cause you have a boyfriend. Great.

Matt: So the secret is act like you have a boyfriend.

Act like you have a boyfriend. Or get a boyfriend you don’t care about,who you can break up with.

That confidence is very sexy. I just had that experience Saturday night: I was at a bar, I met a gal through several friends who were there. I sat at the bar, I talked with her for 45 minutes, and I’m thinking, “She’s really terrific. She’s really smart. She’s listening to my stories, I’m listening to hers.” And it wasn’t until the 45 minute mark where she dropped the boyfriend bomb. And I didn’t take it personally. He walked up and he shakes my hand and he’s a really sweet guy, but you’re right. I think that she probably would not have had that lengthy lovely conversation with me without the boyfriend confidence.

I just met a lady the other day and now we’re Facebook friends and she has a fiancé. I was like, “Ohhhh that’s why she was so cool. She’s fucking getting married. Damnit!”

I don’t matter anymore, that’s why she can talk to me!

A woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get it, basically, that’s it.

Or a woman that doesn’t know what she wants and is openly free to admit that. Like, “I don’t know what the hell I want, but whatever.”

See, but that’s still a certain quality of confidence.

Yeah, exactly.

She’s being outspoken about where she’s at instead of being wishy washy or making you guess or hiding her head in the sand.

It’s that “Not all who wander are lost” kind of a thing.

Now we’re getting deep here.

I always find the most painful dates are the ones where I initiate a topic of conversation, she responds, and then silence, and then I’m initiating something else to talk about, and then response and then silence. And it’s like, “Throw something back!”

The best date, like first date, awkward date I’ve ever been on, the girl openly admitted during the conversation, “This is awkward as fuck.”

That’s fantastic.

Being honest about that situation.

You’re discussing that big elephant in the room as opposed to ignoring it.

Yeah, I had a similar experience where she was like, “I’m really having a hard time with this”. And she pulled out a notepad and she started writing out questions, and we just made up our own questionnaire.

That’s hysterical.

And I kept it.

That’s a great way to communicate. At one point, I had really, really bad vocal problems for a month or so and I got together with this girl strictly by writing. And because I wrote exactly how I felt, it was super intimate. Weird, right? But it totally worked. Until it went south. I got my voice back. . . she was like “Get out of here!”

“I liked you when you were a mute!” “You were just so much like Harpo.” What was the question? Confidence!

Cute girls are cool. I mean shy girls are cool too but, you know, shyly confident.

They have to open up at some point though.

Yeah, everybody has to open up, but just confidence is the immediate like, BAM!

Well I always find it’s the, not actually, I’m about to make an incorrect statement. . . but I hear a lot from my female friends who are shy, “It’s so hard to meet guys.” It’s like, you’re not making it any easier on them! You’ve gotta be willing to put yourself out there at some point or another. I mean, if you’re going to be sitting at the bar looking at the guy across the way, who you find really attractive and you think is really cool but never actually get up the nerve to go talk to them, that’s never going to happen. Because lord knows he’s not going to do it because then he’s a creep. But you know. . .

A lot of times that shyness can be misread as a sort of haughtiness.

My sister is one of those shy girls, and for years she was that way, and she got feedback eventually from a bunch of guys who said, “I thought you were just so stuck up. I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me at all.” “No, I wanted to talk to you, I just didn’t know how.” So really that’s a danger that they’re going to face if they’re not going to do something, make some kind of overture, that makes them look stuck up.

Don’t be afraid to say the wrong thing.

It happens, everybody does it.

I think we all said some wrong things.

Matt: We’re going to publish our email addresses and phone numbers in case anyone wants to get in touch with you to go on a date.

Nice.
Except for Mark, who’s married. Especially Mark! Because he’s married. Yes, wife confidence.

I’d never heard that term “boyfriend confidence”, but it makes so much sense! You’re a genius!

Matt: Is there ever such thing as too much confidence?

Yes. You reach a point where you cross the line from confident to cocky. It’s a very fine line to walk. I cross it myself all the time, and then I come off as an asshole. But no, there’s a very fine line, and I think the difference is that confidence is when you’re self aware and you know you’re confident about what you have a reason to be confident about. And then cocky is when you’re confident for no apparent reason.

Or you’re constantly building yourself up. Exactly, yeah.
Constantly retelling the story.
Just be yourself.

You’re a human being, you’re flawed, accept it.

And hey, you know what, silence is golden sometimes. I know the whole, “This is awkward we’re not talking.” Sometimes it’s not awkward, and if you just embrace the fact that you’re not talking. I don’t know, this is me.

I agree.

I’m like, “You know what? Whatever. We’ll talk when we talk.” Yeah, but you were a mute for 3 years.

I actually find a good point in a relationship. . . I always love that point in a relationship, and it’s a really good telltale marker on how well your relationship is going: if you can actually share a silence with somebody and not feel the necessity to fill it.

Yeah, I think you’re right.

I think you can do that with regular people on the street. If you just not feel that you have to vocal vomit, you know what I mean? Because I think that comes off as super desperate, vocal vomit, or whatever. “Blah, blah, blah, oh what about this? Blah, blah, blah.”

I’ve never heard the term “vocal vomit.” You’ve never heard vocal vomit before?

It’s an industry term.

Just shut the fuck up, you know? I mean not that. . . some people should shut the fuck up and enjoy listening to the other person and not be afraid to not say. . .

Well, maybe you’re thinking of verbal diarrhea. That’s pretty close.

Both are messy.

Different texture to that.

Matt: What do you think about the issue of silence, awkward silences? One of my character flaws is I’m a bit of a nervous Nelly and I talk too much and so I am…

Vocal vomit.

Exactly, hence why I coined the term “verbal diarrhea.” I think it’s lovely when you get to that point in a relationship with somebody, but I have been self conscious of it even with my platonic relationships, my friendships where it’s like “You know what? You don’t need to talk and let’s see what happens if you just don’t fill the air with your own self importance.” And it can be really, really terrific, but it’s a learned art. It’s not something that comes naturally to me.

Matt: Alright. Any other thoughts on that? Awkward silence. Not awkward at all.

I think if it happens and both people address it, then it ceases to be awkward silence.

Yeah, there you go.

It can turn into actually a fantastic moment.

Like the great date I had where the girl just openly said, “Well this is fucking awkward.”

Was that her sense of humor though? Was she good at levity that way? Oh yeah, and it turned out that that was part of it.

Sometimes silence can segue into a really nice make out session.

There you go! Sometimes. . . all the time. . .

Matt: Alright, let’s talk about sex. Save the best for last. So here’s a question, a girl has only had like one sexual partner before, you find that a turn off? Or a turn on? Or what? Inexperience, I guess. Those of you who can remember the last time. . .

Depends on if they watch a lot of porn or not.

It can be exciting. It can be very exciting. It is a little more work sometimes, but it depends a lot on the woman. If she’s willing to experience new things and open, if she trusts that you’re going to be safe, then where you take that can be fantastic. But it is definitely more work. You have to think a lot more. You’re taking charge of a lot more things. Every now and then it’s nice, or it was, back in the day. Back in the old days.

If she can be honest about it, like, honest about what she wants, what she’s comfortable with, what works for her or what has worked for her. You know, I remember experiences where it wasn’t working just because neither of us were just saying, “This isn’t working for me, I want to try something different.”

I don’t really care if a woman has had 1 sexual partner or 1,000, as long as they’re clean. If a woman is inexperienced in that regard, it doesn’t matter one way or another to me as long as they’re not ashamed of it.

Yeah.

Once they feel they need to apologize for the fact that they’ve only had one partner is when it starts bothering me. I’m like, “That’s kind of a turn off. I don’t really. . . ”

Yeah, it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter at all because you know, sex is great.

Bottom line.

“You’ve had one sexual partner? No diseases! Yes! You’re the one I’m looking for!”

That’s why they’ve only had one sexual partner!

My initial response was, “No thank you,” because it was always so terribly awkward, but I think Charles’s point about the confidence issue, if she has confidence or at least is very open, it’s no big deal. But I’ve been with more than one person who was very inexperienced and very self conscious about it and it was really, very frankly, a really miserable experience and I regretted walking down that path. And I think there were a couple of times where I just said, “You know what, I’m not going to be this guy for you right now. So I need to go.”

Matt: So sometimes the inexperience can be a result of that person having an awkward attitude toward the whole thing and no matter how many sexual partners they have they’re still going to be apologetic.

There are some who have had many sexual partners who are still apologetic about it, and boy isn’t that awkward. Then it’s like there’s not much more I can do in that situation.

That’s true. Just be open about it. Say, “Listen, I’ve had sex with one person and I feel [this way] about sex.” Just be open. I say a nice rap session before, little pregame rap session. We’re going to do this, we’re going to do this, I know it’s like I’m your second dude, so I’m going to take it easy and we’re just going to do this. You know or whatever.

Maybe a little free styling in between.

Cause here’s the deal with sex, there’s no two people that you’re going to have sex with that it’s going to be same. Every person that you have sex with. . .

TWINS!

Except for the unlikely probability that fate has thrust at us where twins are in the picture.

One day. . . one day.

You have been led astray by porn, sir. But really, every time you get to that point where you’re going to have sex with somebody, it’s going to be a completely different experience than the last time you had sex with somebody else or when they’ve had sex with somebody else. No matter if you’ve had sex with one person or 100, as long as you go into the situation open to whatever is going to come your way, to some certain extent, it doesn’t matter how many people you’ve slept with because when you have sex with somebody it’s…this is really hard to put into words. . .

I’m curious to see where your hand gestures are headed.

I’m glad I’m not being video recorded right now, because god knows this will be taken wrong.

Is it a trust issue? Because I think when you get to that point where you’re going to have sex with someone, there’s a certain level of trust that’s been established and so if it is at that point then, again. . .

Depends on the kind of sex though.

True, I mean that needs to be sussed out first as well. Everyone has their limits, everyone has certain preferences, but if someone is inexpe- rienced, trusting in the other person to lead them to a place or to help them get to a place, that they’re both going to enjoy, cause it’s always going to be different. No matter what, that trust, I think, at least for me that’s been a crucial element that’s allowed things to progress to a place where we’re both happy.

Well there’s always a certain amount of trust there. It’s like, “I trust this person will not murder me in my sleep.”

Or cut something up.

But I mean, cause you don’t need the person to tell you, “Hey I’ve only slept with one person ever in my life.”

That’s not necessary at all.

You don’t need to hear that because when you, I mean me personally, when I go into a sexual situation, there’s always somebody who’s taking the lead, who’s picking up on the queues. As long as you’re open and actually paying attention to that, whatever occurs is going to be just fine.

Matt: So be in the moment.

Be in the moment.

Trust the moment.

Pay attention, but god fucking hell pay attention.

And there’s such a thing as sexual chemistry. I mean there are some people where they’ve had a bunch of partners, you’ve had a bunch of partners, for whatever reason just don’t really click sexually all that well.

And there’s other people where it’s like, “I don’t know why, but this is awesome.” So sometimes just experience skills don’t even enter in, well they enter into it a little, but not as much because there’s not that click for some reason.

I had the most awkward horrible sex with a girl one time and she was a friend, and has been a friend for years and recently we talked about it again and she was like, “Oh yeah, you know why was that so awkward?” and she had this certain medical condition and she’s like, “Yeah, I had this problem for years.” I was like, “Oh really?!” She’s like, “Yeah, it’s way better now”. Like I can’t remember what the. . .

Try it again.

Round 2! It’s scientific now! Maybe we should give it a go.

Matt: Here’s a question: “Guys disappear after we have sex a few times.” Happens over and over to this person. First of all, have you ever been that guy? Been the guy who just left the scene because you didn’t want to deal with whatever emotional consequences were going on? Or what should she do in that situation? Is she giving off a signal? What causes that to happen over and over again?

I think it’s a sign that the two of you aren’t on the same page. Obviously there’s some sort of miscommunication on what that relationship is. He could be in the mindset where this is just a casual sexual encounter and she’s like, “This guy is going to be the one!” And he faded out because that’s what it was. To him it was a casual encounter and it wasn’t the same thing for her perhaps. Yeah.

Matt: This happens more than once though to this person.

What was. . . can you say the situation again?

Matt: The situation is someone repeatedly experiences someone, the relationship is sexual, they have sex a few times and then she doesn’t hear from them again and that happens over and over again.

Maybe she needs to look at the type of people she’s going out with. That’s what I would say.

I mean obviously she’s doing something wrong because she feels she’s doing something wrong.

Matt: How do you identify that type? What is that type? Do you have friends like that?

I like this type, I will pick column B.

She needs to take a look at the guys she’s been out with. See the commonalities and look for what. . . Are they all like lost boys or bad boys or whatever? Is there something about these guys that carries with her that trait they’re there and then they’re gone? And look for something different. And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with her, it’s just the choices might not be what she’s really looking for and barring therapy, that’s the only way to get the root of the cause of it. And there’s nothing wrong with that either.

All therapy is is really taking, being able to take a step out and look at a situation objectively. And if she can do that without the need to pay someone $200 per hour, by all means go for it.

A lot of works have free therapy, so hit that up.

Matt: Pedro, you said you’ve been the guy who’s done that before.

Pedro: Well, okay, yeah.

Matt: So why, you are one of these guys.

Pedro: I mean, no I’m not one of these guys. I’ve been a guy who’s had a one night and then like bam and then like, “Okay that was fun but no, no, no.” You know what I mean? But if I stick around for like another one, I’m usually in it. You know what I mean? I’m like, “Okay well this is good,” you know what I mean? That’s a good sign for me. So I don’t know how those guys are.

Matt: We’ve got a sample of 5 guys here.

Pedro: I’m a different guy.

Matt: And we’re not hearing that this is something you’re like, “Yeah, I always just hit it and quit it.” That’s not your style. And we would hear from someone here if that was true. So you’re dating the wrong guy probably.

It depends on where you are in life, where they are in life. I mean sometimes you’re in a hit it and quit it mood.

Well dare I ask, you know, what kind of signals she may be sending, what kind of message is she sending if she gets into these situations with this particular personality type?

And maybe don’t have sex with the guy the first, whatever…Like my last relationship, which was like 5 years. I didn’t have sex with the girl for like a month and a half. Like 5 or 6 weeks, and that was a record for me. Usually it’s like, “What, we’re on date 3, we haven’t fucked yet?” You know what I mean? But that longevity, that really helped.

It can make a difference.

And it probably helped her be able to take a step back and actually look at the type of guy she’s dating objectively. I don’t know if she’s doing that, just jumping immediately into bed or not, but. . .

Yeah, don’t have sex with the guy. Withhold for a while.

Matt: So I want to follow up on that question, cause a similar question was “How long can I expect a guy to keep dating me if I put off sex until I’m ready for it?”

It depends on the guy.

It depends on the woman, it depends on the guy.

Matt: How long would you date a woman, what’s your, do you have a mental limit that you would date someone if they’re. . . no? Just depends on the situation? 6 months? A year?

Are you actually dating the person if it’s taking 6 months?

There are people I have “dated” for the last 4 years and we’ve never had a sexually intimate relationship. But I also don’t consider them platonic pals. I go out on dates with them. But it’s really a chemistry thing. ’Cause that question comes up a lot, and I’m like, “Well it’s usually the 3rd date that we’re having sex and thereabouts there.” And it’s a mutual thing. But if it goes beyond that, then I’m usually not thinking that that’s where this relationship is going to go and I put that person in a different compartment.

Matt: Let me turn the question around. Do you want to have sex on the first date, or do you want to put it off?

I don’t want to have sex on the first date. Like I would like to have sex if it’s not a date. . . does that make sense?

Matt: If it’s a date then you don’t.

But if it’s a date, then it’s more like I’m looking to date this person. There’s a difference between just fucking somebody and going on a date, I think.

But that said, I think there are situations where you go out on a date with someone and just out of the blue, it’s like, wow there’s this amazing connection.

That’s what I used to look for. When I dated, that was always my criteria for asking someone out for a date: was the chemistry there to begin with? So it wasn’t that I would push for it, but I certainly was leaving myself open to it and was looking for signals and seeing if it would go that way. And occasionally it would. When I was 19, I waited a year for a girl.

Whoa.

And I said, “Never again.” So at that point, I sort of changed the criteria and I said before I even ask them out, there’s going to have to be something there that says it could possibly happen.

You gave up your entire youth for that woman.

Oh my god, that’s a tragedy.

When you’re 19 years old, a year of abstinence is HUGE.

Matt: So it sounds like it’s situational, how long you want to wait until. . . I can’t even read what I’m talking about. . .

I don’t think anybody who really defines a certain amount of time is like, “Alright, if we haven’t had sex by the 3rd date I’m gone!” You’re obviously going into the dating situation with the wrong mindset. You’re kind of setting yourself up to fail.

I think that if you’re looking, and this is my personal opinion, I guess that’s what an opinion is. I think if you want a long term relationship, then waiting a little while is probably advisable.

Waiting is never a bad idea.

Yeah, cause you can always fuck ’em, you know what I mean? You can always do that. But you can’t always wait.

And you can’t unfuck somebody.

Like if you date them for a couple weeks, you know it’s going to slip that they have herpes, you know? “Oh I gotta get my…I mean…nothing!” And then you’ll find out before you make a commitment that could last forever.

My wife and I waited quite a while, quite a few weeks actually.

Several hours.

But no, we didn’t want to wait, but we were doing a show together, we didn’t want to screw things up. We didn’t want it to be another show romance, so we said, “Okay we’ll wait until the show’s over. Wait as long as we can,” and the great thing was we got to know each other very well. We had lengthy and deep intellectual discussions. We got to know each other’s likes and dislikes. And she was actually the woman I knew the best before I had sex with her of any of the partners I’ve ever had. So going in it was a very different kind of thing. And I think ultimately that helped a lot.

And this is your wife? Yes, my wife, yeah.

Matt: And so you knew it was something special in a way and you wanted to cultivate it more carefully.

Well, before I even let her know how I felt, I was in denial. I was like, “I’m not doing the show romance thing anymore. I’m not doing it! I feel things for her, but I’m not going to say anything about it.” And that went on for a couple weeks like that, before I even opened my mouth and then I was like, “Okay, whatever, see what happens,” and she felt the same and we made a pact: hold off on the sex until. . .

Yeah, there you go, withhold. It was a good idea.

Matt: And if you withhold, and the guy’s like “You’re withholding, I’m outta here,” then you. . .

Then he’s a douchebag anyway. Cause he’s going to do that anyway.

He’s going into the situation wanting to get laid, not wanting to find a partner.

Yeah, and it depends on what you want. If you want to get laid then by all means.

Matt: Know what you want before you go into the situation. Don’t be like, “I don’t know what I want!”

Be honest about it.

Matt: So porn has been brought up because there are 5 men in the same room, so obviously, this is a question that women are interested in. One of the women wrote in and asked “Why do guys continue looking at porn even when they’re in a relationship?” I don’t know if that’s a real basic understanding of men that’s lacking there or what, but let’s go ahead and answer the question.

What? Girls don’t?

Yeah, exactly!

Like girls aren’t as open with that as they. . .

I’ve been in relationships with both, those who consider porn tantamount to cheating and those who. . . I had a girlfriend actually buy me a Playboy when I sprained my wrist so I could exercise it. I thought that was awesome.

And her name and number was. . . Keep her!

Wow, really? Wow.

I think honestly, cause this came up in some conversations I was having with some of my female friends before, I had a friend who went off the handle when she found out her boyfriend was looking at porn. And I was like “Why are you angry?” And we got further into the conversation and what really made her angry, once we got down to the real reason why she was angry, was that he was choosing pornography over her.

That’s a problem.

And that’s a separate issue.

Totally separate.

Matt: He wasn’t having sex with her?

Well he, not that they weren’t having sex, but she would be interested or things were progressing in a sexual manner, she was setting up the vibe, and he’s choosing pornography as opposed to sex with his partner.

That’s a different issue.

And that was the problem, was there was a different issue. And so I think, I personally think there’s no problem with porn unless the partner is choosing pornography over their partner.

Matt: Do you think that maybe some women feel that way regardless of whether it’s true or not? That they feel like they’re competing?

Probably.

Yes.

I don’t think they need to be, but probably. This is a basic function.

And I think that what a lot of women don’t understand is that it’s not a competition thing. It’s not like I’m looking at this because that’s what I want. It’s, usually that’s not what I want, but it’s just this is a release that has nothing to do and actually when this is going on, that release, I usually don’t want my brain involved. I don’t want anything emotional going on, which is why if I’m in a relationship and maybe things are going through a dicey thing or she sent me for a twirl on something, she’s probably the last person I want to think about when I’m just trying to get that release and just trying to get my head clear.

Matt: Right.

Mark: Ultimately you never stop looking, you just don’t do anything about it when you’re in a relationship. And porn is part of that. I think as human beings we’re always looking at potential partners, we’re rating them, we’re genetically wired to do that. And porn is a socially contrived way for us to sort of exercise that. It’s offered, here it is. Look at it. But you’re not going to do anything, you’re not going to go after that porn star and try and date her or whatever and certainly if it’s not a situation of you opting out of actual sex with your partner to go look at porn.

Sometimes you look at it ’cause you’re just looking. You like to look at beautiful women.

And it’s a boredom thing too. It’s like. . .

I mean, it’s pure fantasy.

Matt: I can have an orgasm right now.

Yeah! I got 10 minutes that I’m not doing anything before lunch, I can fucking squeeze one off. It’s really a boredom thing a lot of the time.

Dennis Miller said it best, “Ladies, if you’re not in the room. . . it’s entirely likely.”

And this stuff is so available these days.

Oh sure, yeah.

But I think that is actually at the heart of it, what you said earlier, Mark, is that we’re never going to stop looking. We will check out women, doesn’t mean we’re going to do anything about it. It’s kinda the same thing, it’s like we’re checking out someone attractive. We’re having a. . .

And I think women check out guys too!

TOTALLY! They never admit it though. It makes me angry. I don’t care that you’re checking out a guy, be honest about it, who cares!?

And when I’ve caught them doing it. . .

I think, again, they’re conditioned, they’re brought up that it’s impolite, it’s wrong for women to do that, so they will never admit to doing it, but my god I know for a fact, cause I got sisters, when they get together and they talk, they are dirtier than we are. The stuff they talk about, the stuff they’ve looked at. . .

And this is the sense I’ve had too is that guys are just more visually stimulated than women, so that’s why I know women look at porn but guys look at a lot more porn because that’s just more of a turn on.

Women read more porn. That is true.

Well somebody said this to me once, and it actually made a lot of sense to me was that, I wish you could see the visual on this one, ladies because it’d be very helpful, for guys, the orgasm starts in the penis. It’s a physical thing. With women, the orgasm starts in the brain. Before any sexual encounter, any physical contact, the woman is already working herself up, if you’re doing it right. So it’s like with guys, you can have a solely physical urge and need to have an orgasm.

Just fucking touch it.

And I’m going to say again, sometimes if it’s a masturbation thing, I don’t even want my brain involved.

It’s like, I mean this is going to get a bit graphic, but when you haven’t cum in a while it clouds your thinking. You start thinking with the little head as opposed to the big one.

It’s true.
Encourage masturbation, lady, you’ll have a more rational partner.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had that release and it’s like “Wow, I was taking a lot of things way too seriously.”

Yeah, and if you think it’s weird that your boyfriend likes porn, maybe you should take a more active interest in your boyfriend. And maybe try to find out what he likes about porn. And like maybe. . .

That’s actually not a bad idea
And like maybe. . .

And if you want to hook him, buy him a Playboy.

He won’t go anywhere.

She buys me porn? SOLD!

It could be, you know, things in the porn, you know, fantasies. . . Yeah, what is it about this porn?

Matt: So if it’s a barrier to the relationship, there might be a reason. It might be a diagnostic tool to figure it out.

I don’t know if I agree with that. At a bachelor party, this guy, Billy, this is my friend’s bachelor party, he brought a bunch of porn and like all of it was really pretty twisted anal stuff, which the groom was. . . he’s from New England, Connecticut, he’s not very into anal. It was this kind of thing where every single video, and he had more porn than I have ever, ever imagined on a computer. It was all this same kind of really hard core anal stuff, and when we kind of called him on it, we were like, “Billy what the fuck!?” And what he said was, “Well, these are the things that I fantasize, these are my fantasies, this is what I fantasize about, these are what I can’t do with my wife.” So that’s where the porn for him was for.

But that could open the door to exploration of that. Friends I’ve had where we have watched porn together and we have talked about it, that has led to some amazing experiences because she was open to trying some new things that she had not considered because she hadn’t viewed the porn and once I opened up and said, “Okay well this, this is what I like about it, this is what I’d, you know, like to try.” Again, it depends on how far the person’s willing to go, but you know she went there and. . .

I’m willing to bet Billy did not show these videos to his wife.

And by the way guys, let’s not hang out in a room together and watch porn. Like seriously, like bachelor party or not, I think I went to a party in high school once where bunch of dudes like popped on a porn. I was like, “What the fuck man?! I’m gonna go to Denny’s. I’ll see you guys later, thanks for the beer.”

Watch it with your wife.

Yeah, yeah, watch it with ladies.

And I mean as far as the pornography, I will personally watch, I tend to watch things that are a bit more hardcore, a little bit more out there. And it may not be necessarily something I want to try with my partner, but it’s something that I’m interested in. It interests me and I’m like, when I had a girlfriend who took an active interest in the pornography I watched, she was open about watching it herself, it led to more experimentation. We found that we didn’t want to take it that far. But it was the inclination towards that. We did our own experimentation and we actually found it fairly consistent that our line of where we wanted to take it was much further in than we imagined. It wasn’t as far out into the hardcore stuff that we found.

And so did you find that the sex you did have was better because you knew that this is where you wanted to be rather than. . .

I will say some awesome sex resulted from those conversations. And you would be more confident.

More confident, you find out more about your partner sexually. You know more about where their brain is during sex.

I think your vocabulary grows as far as what you can communicate what you want to do, what you don’t want to do, and the more clear things are I think that the better your experience can be.

Yeah. The conversation doesn’t have to be about porn. I mean the conversations about what you like sexually will lead to much better sex in the long run. And the much greater understanding of your partner.

And porn sites, what are great like smorgasbord to figure out what you do find sexually whatever. I will look at this thing though I never ever, ever, want to do, ever, I’m just gonna see if it turns me on. Just for kicks.

’Cause you just don’t know sometimes.

Yeah, and it’s like, why not?

Matt: Porn’s something that comes up in long term relationships, so here’s a question I think only those who have been or are in long term relationships, I guess all of us have been at one time or another even if we’re not now. A woman I guess who was curious, who maybe hasn’t been in a long term relationship was wondering how does a guy who is in a committed relationship not get bored? I mean how does he, don’t they feel like they give up some of their freedom? Don’t they want to go out and cheat on their partner intentionally? What’s your thoughts on that? Especially those of you who are currently in a long term relationship?

Charles: I don’t know if I’m the right person to answer this question. And I jump right in, first off! Hooray! Apparently I have something I want to say! Now I’m on the hook and everybody’s waiting for me to respond. I’m like “ADD, buddies!”

Matt: Do you get bored with having the same partner? Or do you find that you like having the same partner over and over again?

Charles: I’m in a weird middle ground. I think that sex can be just sex. I, in a lot of my relationships, I was open. We had an open relationship, as it were. We would have other partners. Sex could be just sex. But it wasn’t the same way with every girl. With the current girl I’m dating, she does not feel that same way, so I respect that line. It doesn’t mean that the sex I’m having with my partner isn’t meaningful, isn’t great, isn’t exactly what I want, I’m choosing to be monogamous because that’s where our relationship is at. If given my own personal choices, I would not be. Doesn’t mean sex is meaningless. I don’t think that you can just have sex with somebody personally and not have any sort of emotion involved, but I don’t think you need to be in a romantic relationship to have an intimate encounter with somebody.

For me, sex, like the more sex I have with an individual, the more regular sex, the better it gets, for me. And that’s what I like. It’s like I have had, you know, I’ve had a number of one nighters and they are fun and they are adventuresome and whatever you know, but the sex gets really good when you’re like, “I know if I do this, she’s totally going to lose her shit.” You know what I mean? And like, “YAY!” You know? That’s when it gets exciting for me. When you know somebody and you know the things that turns them on.

Matt: So what’s the longest sexual relationship you’ve been in?

Almost 5 years.

Matt: Did the sex get boring at a certain point?

No. And this was the one that made me wait like almost 2 months. It got increasingly better. And that wasn’t the reason that the relationship ended. It was always good.

Matt: Art, what do you think about this topic?

Art: I was in a relationship for about 7 years and I concur. It got better as time progressed. We didn’t do it as frequently, but there was still a certain degree of spontaneity. Like Sunday afternoons you know? Or after she had gone on a business trip and came back it was right into the sack. And that was awesome but did I get bored? No. I was never bored with her. I thought she was a particularly exciting woman. But have I been bored in the past? Oh yeah, very much.

But I think if you’re bored it’s a symptom of something else that’s happening.

Absolutely. But what I hear in this question is how do I avoid my partner getting bored with me? That guy getting bored with me? Are guys hardwired to get bored? No, I don’t think they are. Not if there’s a relationship that clicks and all the pistons are spinning in harmony then you know, that person will not be bored with you.

Especially if you’re open to midgets and anal. Like if you’re just open to it they will not be bored with you. So if you don’t do that, then you’re wrong.

I think that may have been the point I was trying to make. Is that even though I am a sexually open person by nature, I’ve been with this woman for quite some time now and I’m not bored. I’m still sleeping with one woman and I’m not bored. It’s, I don’t know take with that answer what you will.

Matt: You’re the married man, so we gotta hear from you in this.

Okay. Well it’s a matter of looking at this person as a partner, a real partner. So it isn’t that I do things in my life, she does things in her life and we kind of share it. No, you do things together. You look for things that enrich each other that you do that you both enjoy. You are open to trying things you hadn’t done before because she likes them and she is the same way with you. So you keep the adventure of the relationship alive like that. You don’t allow yourself to fall into a rut. You keep looking for the opportunities to allow you both to grow, to allow you both to have fun. In terms of the sex, in like the earlier question about the emails, we’ve developed a shorthand in a certain way so I know what she likes. Like Pedro was saying, I know exactly what to do, you know? So I may go there first and there’s the idea I might try something different. Because I know she trusts me and I trust her, so we can go to places we may not normally go. I don’t need to check in as much as at first. She trusts me that I’ll be safe or I won’t go too far. So really it’s a partnership and I have never gotten bored with her in any aspect of our lives, sexually or otherwise because that adventure is still going on and I intend for it to keep going on for at least another 100 years.

Matt: Well, I think we’re going to close here but I just want to go around and have everyone give something that you’ve always wanted to tell women or a woman in your life that you’ve never been able to say, or piece of advice that you wanted to give the female half of the race. So why don’t we start with you Pedro.

Pedro: You should give me more blow jobs.

Matt: Saw that coming!

Pedro: No, no, no, no, no. I need to think about that. Come back to me.

Matt: Okay, Charles?

Charles: Alright, I would say, oh I had an answer, it was right there and then he made me laugh about the blow job and I lost it. Be more open to converse about awkward things. Like we’ve talked, I mean it’s a very broad statement but it really, I mean we’ve talked about pornography, we’ve talked about sexual preferences, we’ve talked about being on the same page as far as where the relationship is at, we’ve talked about first dates where they’re really awkward as fuck. Don’t be afraid to initiate those conversations about things that are potentially awkward. We may not be able to start it ourselves and somebody’s got to get that ball rolling in those conversations.

Matt: And it’s easy for us as guys to talk about it because there’s nothing at stake right? What about you, Art?

Art: If you really, really want someone to love, if you really, really want that partner, don’t start out being coy, aloof, and coquettish. It’s insulting. It’s, in fact, especially when there’s someone who might very well be interested in you, that’s the quickest way to turn them off. And if you actually rope a guy and bring him in with those tactics, I don’t think it’s the guy you’re going to want to have around. Was that way too personal?

But it makes total sense because it will end poorly because he’s got an image of you that isn’t true. It’s not the reality.

People are always talking about playing head games, and to me that is one of the most challenging type of game, that coy game that I’ve had so many women play with me, and I’m too old. I’m tired, I can’t play anymore. I’m done.

The couch is over there, grandpa.

Matt: Alright, Pete.

Pete: I think it’s kind of a theme because my thing is kind of similar: the more open and honest about what you want, what you’re looking for, I think the more fun it’s going to be. I’ve lost count of how many relationships of mine have started with the woman saying, “I’m really not looking for a relationship.” And I get why that is being put out there ’cause they’re trying not to scare me off or whatever, but what it does is set up this thing of like, “Well this is never going to work ’cause this is going great and we’re advancing, but I know she’s not looking for anything, so this is not going anywhere.” So if you’re looking for a relationship, then don’t be afraid to be honest about that or if you are really just, this is just going to be a sexual thing, be honest about that. But I think just be open, and be honest about what it is you want.

Matt: Alright. Mark?

Mark: Guys can be a lot more romantic, emotional, sentimental, and can be more strongly and easily attached to someone than they’re given credit for. So I would like women to be aware of that, the misconception is that tough guy whatever they don’t really care. They do, and a lot of times that compartmentalization happens because we’re trying to protect ourselves from being hurt. And it’s where we’re raised to be strong, whatever, silent. We can handle this stuff, but we’re human beings and we can be as easily wounded as any female can.

Matt: Okay. Last word, Pedro…

Pedro: Here we go. I think that if you want, it’s about having interest in somebody and if you want. . . oh fuck I don’t know, sorry. . . If you want to be interested in somebody and they want to be interested in you, find out where they live. Whether it’s their job or car collections or anything, whatever they do, find it out and embrace that. You know what I mean? If it’s like, looking at, going to thrift stores or whatever, male or female, find that thing and live with it and say, “Hey, do you want to do this? Do you want to do this? Let’s do this? Here’s your time for that.” I don’t know. Just be interested in what your partner or potential partner is interested in.

Matt: Alright. Any last thoughts here?

And more blow jobs!

Matt: Anyway, thanks for listening to this special report on how men really think. I’d like to thank our 5 panelists, Pedro, Charles, Art, Pete, and Mark for being with us today and being honest about all kinds of stuff and join us again. Thanks!

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