First, watch this video of Michael introducing this lesson:
Audio of Michael reading the lesson below:
“Why does he look at other women?”
“Does he look at porn?”
“Why does he LIE to me about looking at porn?”
“How do I get him to look at me and ONLY me?”
–Secret Survey results from women
Jake’s head snapped around like he was in a car accident. He felt a little twinge in the back of his neck like he’d strained something, but maybe it was worth it. Because she was beautiful.
Full lips, dark hair, a flirty little skirt. And those eyes. He ran his gaze from her ankles up her calves. He was briefly hypnotized by her thighs.
The whole world seemed to slow down as his eyes traveled across her body, and when she glanced over at him he felt a silvery thrill as his brain released a cocaine-rush of dopamine.
He drank her in with his eyes like a starving man in the desert. Every curve. Every angle embedded itself in the deep lizard folds of his brain.
He wondered what she smelled like. He wondered what she tasted like.
He imagined what it would feel like to have her under him. To take her. To posses her. To make her his.
And then she was gone and time moved forward again. He went back to eating his sandwich and bullshitting with his friend Tim. He thought about tonight and how he was going to surprise his girlfriend, Jenny.
He’d been planning this night for weeks. He couldn’t wait to see the smile on her face. He only hoped she knew how much he loved her.
If this were a Star Trek episode, this is where the alarm klaxon would start going off, because we’re about to enter dangerous territory and stuff you probably don’t want to hear.
But I’m going to tell you anyway.
I promised you at the beginning of this program that I was going to be 100% truthful with you about how men think, what men want, and how men think about women, but for me to do that I need you to promise me that you’ll take this seriously, that you’ll read everything I’m about to tell you, and that you’ll do everything you can to empathize with men and realize that just because men are different than you, that doesn’t mean they’re inferior.
OK, I’ll get off my soap box now. (I feel like a disapproving professor when I talk about that stuff.)
In this lesson we’re going to cover two separate but related topics. First we’re going to talk about why men look at other women in the real world (like that waitress with the nice butt at the restaurant you used to like so much).
Then we’re going to talk about every woman’s favorite topic: pornography.
I’m going to give you some shocking statistics about men and pornography, tell you why men look at porn (or at least HAVE looked at porn in the past if they don’t actively look at it now. . . I personally don’t know any guys who don’t watch porn, but they probably exist in some village in the rain forest somewhere) and explain how to handle pornography in your relationship so it doesn’t become a big issue.
Let’s get to work. The first question we need to answer is. . .
“Why do men look at (and lust after) other women?”
. . . and what do his wandering eyes MEAN to you and your relationship.
After all “Why does he look at other women?” isn’t the REAL question, is it?
The real question is: “Does he think she’s prettier than me? Does he wish I looked like that? Is he going to leave me for her? Would he rather be with her? Is that the body type he wants and why don’t I have it?” and a whole gamut of other questions rooted in insecurity. (If you haven’t already, go read all about toxic insecurity in the previous lesson.)
But before we address all these secondary questions, let’s just answer the first question as directly and simply as we can.
Men Look at Other Women Because Men Like looking at Other Women.
(I told you it was going to seem unsatisfying at first.)
Men look at other women because it feels good to look at other women, because it causes all sorts of fun stuff to happen in his brain when he looks at other women and because (and this is thanks to thousands and thousands of years of evolution) he couldn’t keep himself from looking at other women if he tried.
It’s not what you wanted to hear, but it is pretty liberating: If your man looks at other women, it has little or no bearing on how he feels about you.
Go back to the story I opened this chapter with. I wrote it based on actual experiences of both myself and other guys I know, but I also wanted to very specifically show a common situation: A guy looking at a woman, being attracted to her (on a basic level) and overwhelmed by her and then immediately going back to thinking about his girlfriend because lusting after some random girl has nothing to do with how he feels about his relationship or the woman in his life.
To a lot of women that kind of brain shifting seems almost impossible.
How could a guy look at a girl like that, think dirty thoughts about her, and still love and adore his girlfriend?
Well, he can do it because he’s a guy and because his physical attraction to other women and the knee-jerk reaction he has is in no way connected to his attraction to and love for his girlfriend or wife.
Your boyfriend or your husband looking at another woman (or even acting like an idiot over some girl in a magazine spread) does not mean he doesn’t find you attractive, it does not mean he’s going to cheat on you, it does not mean he doesn’t love you. . . it doesn’t mean anything about you at all.
And I can tell you from my own experience (and from the dozens of emails I get every day) that a woman who has the confidence to not be bothered by her man looking at other women has a much better chance of keeping a man happy and attracted to her and craving her than a woman who freaks out and thinks a man should only ever be attracted to her.
Inside the Mind of a Guy. . .
I want to invite you inside the head of a pretty average guy. Me.
As I’m writing this I’m 34 years old. I’m in a very happy relationship with an amazing woman who I utterly adore. I make my living by helping men and women have better, sexier, and more fun relationships. And like all guys, I’ve got a dirty mind. (Actually, my mind might be slightly dirtier than most. Or maybe I’m just better at talking about it.)
The point here is there’s nothing really special or different about me except for I’ve spent years and years coming to terms with my “maleness” and accepting it (as opposed to a lot of guys who are ashamed of their desires).
And as a regular guy I can tell you that if you date a heterosexual male who has any testosterone at all, he’ll not only LOOK at other women on a daily (hourly. . . minute-ly . . OK, all the time) basis. . . but he’ll flat out imagine these other women naked, sweaty, panting, and doing all sorts of dirty things. And it doesn’t mean a thing.
Yesterday I decided to take a journal along with me and mark down when I caught myself looking at women out in the world and what kind of thoughts and responses they caused in me. I’m going to share exactly what I thought with you (My god, this is embarrassing. Why am I doing this? Oh yes, for science! This stuff is going to get me arrested.)
Here’s my timeline from when I left the house in the morning until I got home at night:
7:45AM – Stared at my girlfriend as she got out of the shower. Marveled at her body. Felt a hunger rising in me. Walked over to her and gave her a big hug and held her against me for a kiss. Thought about dragging her back to bed, but there wasn’t time.
8:00AM – Surfed the web a little bit. Checked in with one of my favorite porn sites for a few minutes and masturbated before leaving for work.
8:30AM – Headed towards the office. On the way there, saw a stunning college-aged girl standing at the bus stop. Felt my eyes drawn to her ass like a magnet. Fixated on the way her jeans held her and very briefly imagined her bent over in front of me. Kept walking.
8:45AM – Sat down for breakfast at my favorite spot. Got my pancakes and bacon and eggs. Swept my eyes briefly over the waitress and her low-cut shirt and her lips. Texted my girlfriend a brief “You looked so delicious this morning” message
9:30AM – At my office. Caught myself staring at the hips of one of the women I work with. She’s a beautiful, intelligent, dorky, awesome girl. And for that brief moment her body called out to me like a lighthouse. Said hi and marched back to my desk to write.
11:00AM – Took a break from writing to surf the web for a few minutes. Got lost in the “flesh messages” broadcast all over the internet.
5:00PM – Left the office and headed to the gym to do the day’s Crossfit workout. Watched a good (female) friend doing squats. Tried to push an overt appreciation of her backside out of my mind. Failed. Laughed it off. Sweated through a brutal workout. Lying on the floor in a puddle of my own sweat, thanked some higher power for tight workout shorts worn by the girls in my class.
7:00PM – Got home to my woman. Got lost in the smell of her and focused all the stimulation from the day on her.
A few big points. . .
1. This is really just a taste. If I actually marked down EVERY single time my eyes drifted to a woman’s ass or breasts or collar it would take up this whole program and I’d get disgusted with myself.
2. This is just one day, and really not a day that I was exposed to a particularly high percentage of women I personally like to look at.
3. From talking to my male friends (and thousands of guys who follow me online), I’ve found that most men are the exact same way. We drift through our lives in a state of constant sexual attention and stimulation, feel powerless in the face of beauty (or a girl in a short skirt), and devour the images of women in our everyday lives like a sumptuous feast.
And then (most of us) go home to the women we love without any feelings of hypocrisy and without giving it another thought.
So Why are Guys Like That?
OK, now after going through my (embarrassing and somewhat graphic) timeline, you might be wondering WHY guys are like that?
After all, women aren’t like that. Women don’t imagine jumping every guy they see. Are guys all perverts? Should you swear off men forever and go date women? Or maybe get a dog. A dog would be good. A dog would never look at other women.
Calm down a sec and. . .
Let Me Just Tell You a Few Simple Facts About Men:
1. Men are VISUAL creatures. A lot of men (like me, actually) think in images, as opposed to words or sounds. In a lot of ways, guys are slaves to our eyes. We really can’t ignore what we see and we’re turned on by what we see way more than women are.
If you think about it this way you might realize what kind of torture it is to be a guy these days because images of hot women in a state of sexual heat are literally everywhere.
I blame the media for this (sex sells), but the fact is sexual images designed to bore into the skulls of men are EVERYWHERE and just walking through the world (or flipping through a magazine, or going online) and trying not be sexually engaged is like walking through a chocolate factory (with that amazing smell wafting into your nostrils) and not wanting just a little bite. Impossible.
2. Genetically, men are hard wired to want a LOT of sexual partners.
We’re not wired for monogamy (and neither are women, actually. Check out a great book called “Sex at Dawn” for proof).
The short version of this argument is that men are designed to seek out a wide variety of sexual partners over their lifetimes and spread their seed as far as they can. From a biological standpoint, this makes a lot of sense (since it promotes genetic diversity and increases a guy’s chances that at least one of his kids will live long enough to pass along his genes.)
From a social standpoint, it sounds like lazy BS or a lame excuse a guy would make to get himself off the hook, right? Unfortunately, just because it sounds like lazy BS doesn’t mean it’s not true.
David Deida tells a great story in one of his books. He asks a group of men at one of his seminars, “Which would you rather have, a magazine with 50 pictures of the single most beautiful woman in the world, or a magazine with pictures of 50 different reasonably attractive women.”
And every single guy says he wants the magazine with more variety.
The important thing to understand here is that this isn’t a flaw of character (oh, he SHOULD just want one woman but he CHOOSES to want a whole bunch). Character has nothing to do with it (and neither does morality). It’s just plain biology for a man to crave and want and lust after and look at and sexually assess every attractive (to him) woman he sees.
Now, I’m not saying a guy should act on those impulses or desires or that he even really wants to act on them, but they’re there. And as a woman you can either get mad about it or you can accept it and use it to your advantage (we’ll talk about that later).
So going back to our core point. . .when a man looks at another woman. . .
It’s not because he doesn’t love you.
It’s not because he doesn’t find you attractive.
It’s because millions of years of evolution have designed him to always be on the lookout for sexually mature women he could mate with and get children upon. (Wow, I can’t believe I just wrote “get children upon.”)
No matter how in love or devoted a man is to you, nothing short of castration or stabbing out his eyes is going to stop him from looking at (and lusting after) other women. (Please don’t do that. Really. Seriously. Don’t. You’ll go to jail, and then you’ll NEVER get a man).
The Douchebag Exception (again)
I should make one quick exception here. The “douchebag exception” is for guys who aren’t worth dating or marrying in the first place. These guys are really easy to notice because they’re the guys who are goggling over the waitress (or the college volleyball team at the bar) while sitting at the table with their date. And to me, that’s just unacceptable behavior.
Yes, your guy is going to notice if the waitress has a nice ass, or if the volleyball players are doing shots off each other’s impossibly firm abs, but if he’s 23 or older he should be socialized enough to know that he shouldn’t stare in front of you.
OK, now that we’ve talked about why guys look at other women in the real world, let me dig an even deeper hole for myself here and talk about. . .
Pornography
OK, let me just open this up by saying something that’s probably not 100% true:
All Guys Watch Pornography
OK, maybe not all, but enough that the percentage of guys who DON’T watch pornography is so small it couldn’t be found on a graph.
Straight guys watch pornography. Gay guys watch pornography. White guys watch pornography. Black guys watch pornography. Even guys who try to pass laws AGAINST pornography secretly watch pornography (and usually they’re the ones who watch the REALLY dirty stuff).
As a woman who digs men, you need to take a deep breath and accept the fact that any guy you get involved with is going to watch porn. The only question is going to be whether he’s honest with you about it or if he hides it like a 15 year old petrified that his mom might find his Playboys.
Actually, a ton of the Secret Survey answers from guys were about pornography, about how guys wanted their women to know that their watching porn had absolutely nothing to do with their relationships and (occasionally) about the exact type of porn that really turned these guys on and how hot it would be if their women would watch it with them.
Now, there are some very valid reasons for you to dislike pornography (some of it is extremely degrading to women and the women involved in that business usually have their fair share of issues.)
But that doesn’t change the fact that every guy you’ve ever dated and every guy you ever will date watches pornography.
So What Does the Fact that He Watches Porn Mean?
I bet you can guess where this is going =-). The fact that your husband or boyfriend or that guy you just started dating watches porn means. . .
-
- That he’s a guy.
And that’s really it (even though you’re not supposed to make a list with just one bullet).
His watching porn doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, that he’d rather you wore stripper shoes all the time, that he’s going to leave you, that he’s a pervert (not more than any other guy), or anything like that.
There are some valid arguments against porn and how it can set unrealistic expectations for guys about what sex is really like (especially for kids these days who get access to the an entire buffet of perversion from the moment they figure out how to get around those wimpy web browser censors).
But those arguments aren’t actually going to stop your guy from watching porn. Hell, NOTHING is going to stop a guy from watching porn.
Guys lose their jobs for watching porn at work all the time. Guys get ARRESTED for watching porn in public places.
Now, one question a lot of women ask is. . .
Does He Want ME to Act Like a Porn Star?
And the answer is “yes and no.”
We’ll talk about sex stuff and male fantasies in Lesson 8, but I’ll tell you right now that most guys are completely capable of separating pornographic fantasies from the reality of being with a real-life living and breathing woman.
I can tell you from personal experience that there are things I’ve watched in pornography that I would never want to try myself. And if I ever got hit on by a stripper or a porn star, I’d run the other way and take a very long, very hot shower with a Brillo pad.
I totally understand if most pornography freaks you out or even disgusts you. A lot of women have a powerful knee-jerk reaction to pornography and the objectification of women in that way. But it doesn’t change the reality.
One of the smartest things you can do to have a more intimate and better relationship with a guy is to actually make a game out of watching pornography with him (and there are some great production companies out there doing more erotic female and couples-based stuff that don’t have the trappings of most misogynistic guy-oriented videos).
That said. . .
If Pornography REALLY Bothers You
1. Whatever you do, do not freak out and forbid him from watching pornography. All guys watch porn (except for the Amish and that one weird guy who has a fetish for silly putty). Forbidding him from watching porn (or going nuclear because you found some in his browser history) won’t keep him from watching porn, it’ll just encourage him to be more careful, to feel like he can’t be himself with you, and to lie to you about what he’s doing in the bathroom with the iPad.
2. A better option is to share a convenient lie. If pornography bothers you, you and your man need to make a deal. You agree not to hassle him about it or make him feel bad about it, and he’ll agree to be polite and not rub it in your face or leave it on a shared computer.
3. Remember, his watching pornography isn’t really about you at all. Yes, I know this can be hard to accept, but it really is true. If anything, a guy watching porn can be GOOD for your relationship because it allows your man to have the fantasy of having sex with a variety of women and acting out his deepest kinks and fetishes without actually going out and having sex with a variety of women or cheating on you.
When Porn is a Problem. . .
Even though I just spent the last couple pages vehemently defending pornography there are, of course, situations where porn is a real problem in a relationship. And that’s when a guy develops a strong pornography addiction to the point where all he does is watch porn or where he’d rather watch porn than spend time with an honest to god living woman. But the problem there isn’t that he watches porn it’s that he watches TOO MUCH porn. Remember porn isn’t in itself a problem. Got it? Good.
Summing Up Lesson 5
Wow, this one was a doozy, huh? Hopefully you don’t hate me yet 🙂
- Men look at other women because they like to look at other women. A man looking at other women doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the woman in his life or doesn’t find her attractive.
- Men are VISUAL creatures who are evolved to want a wide variety of sexual partners in our lives. Trying not to look at other women is completely counter to our biological programming and is essentially impossible.
- The best way to deal with your guy looking at other women is to accept it and laugh it off. If you show confidence in your man’s love and attraction it will geometrically multiply that love and attraction. If you freak out and act insecure because he looks at other women, it can be very damaging to your relationship.
- The experience of being male means being sexually tuned in and turned on all the time. Being told you can’t look at or fantasize about other women is like taking a tour of a chocolate factory and being told you can’t want a bite. Impossible.
- Just because a man looks at other women doesn’t mean he’ll cheat on you. We’ll cover cheating in the next lesson and it’s really a separate issue.
- All men look at porn (especially moralistic televangelists. Man, I hate hypocrites).
- If you forbid your man from looking at porn, he’ll simply lie to you about looking at porn but will keep looking.
- No, he doesn’t want you to act like a porn star. Just because he watches something on a screen doesn’t mean he wants it in real life. (Though sometimes he does.)
- The best way to deal with pornography in your relationship is to. . .
1. Accept it and even watch some pornography WITH your man.
(This can be a great experience.)
2. Have a convenient lie where you don’t hassle him about porn and he doesn’t rub it in your face.
Exercises for Lesson 5
1. Next time you catch your guy looking at another girl, say, “She’s pretty cute, huh?” See what your guy’s reaction is.
2. Block off one hour to watch male-oriented porn. Start with the relatively vanilla (straight guy on girl) stuff.
3. (Advanced) Let your guy catch you watching porn. Seriously.
Set it up so he catches you on the computer watching something dirty. It doesn’t really matter what it is. Far from being threatened, he’ll probably find it insanely hot.
Up Next: Why Men Cheat (And How to Cheat-Proof Your Relationship)
In our next lesson we’re going to talk about CHEATING – WHY men cheat, what cheating MEANS to your relationship, and how to make cheating on you a totally alien idea in his mind.
