First, watch this video of Michael introducing this lesson:
Audio of Michael reading the lesson below:
“Why doesn’t she believe me when I tell her how much love her?”
“When I tell her she looks beautiful she says, ‘you have to say that,
you’re my husband,’ and it kills me.”
“I tell her the truth, but she always assumes I’m lying.”
–Secret Survey responses from men
Paul felt like his testicles had shriveled up and crawled inside his body to die.
OK, that was overdramatic. But he felt awful, nauseous. He felt tears welling up behind his eyes, but he blinked them away so she wouldn’t see.
His wife, Tiffany had just gotten out of the shower and she looked beautiful.
Even after 15 years, his eyes couldn’t help but devour her. He took a long visual trip from her ankles, along her calves, to her hips, stomach. He stopped at her breasts and felt his tongue flick out to the side of his mouth hungrily. And then he landed on her eyes.
“Stop it,” she said.
“Stop what?” He was confused.
“Staring at me. I don’t like it when you stare at me like that. At how fat I’ve gotten.”
“You’re beautiful,” he had said plaintively. And he had meant it, but she didn’t care. She sighed dismissively.
“You have to say that, you’re my husband. I feel ugly. Now get dressed, we’re going to be late.”
Paul was miserable as he looked at himself in the mirror. “You have to say that, you’re my husband,” he mumbled under his breath in a mocking tone. He buttoned his shirt. He knotted his tie and pushed it tight against his throat until he thought he was going to choke.
In our last lesson we talked about why men lie to women, but in this lesson I want to turn things around and talk about a common (and horrible) phenomenon I see in relationships again and again: emotional castration.
What is Emotional Castration?
Emotional castration is when a woman (usually without meaning to) denies a man’s truth and makes him feel weak, useless, and generally awful.
In other words, she emotionally cuts off his balls.
And, weirdly enough, she usually doesn’t even do it on purpose, because the number one cause of emotional castration isn’t anger or meanness, it’s low self-esteem and a constant need for affirmation on the woman’s part.
If you read the beginning of this lesson, you’ve already seen an example of one kind of emotional castration:
Step 1: Paul gives Tiffany a compliment and tells her how he feels about her.
Step 2: Rather than accepting that compliment and being thrilled by it, Tiffany DEFLECTS and says that Paul’s motivation for giving her a compliment isn’t because he means it, but because he’s her husband and HAS to say something like that.
Step 3: Paul shuffles his way over the mirror feeling rejected and angry and learns that telling Tiffany how he actually feels about her or that he’s attracted to her is a bad idea.
The second kind of emotional castration happens when a man expresses how he feels.
Lots of respondents to the Secret Survey mentioned this. Rick, for example, said that what drove him NUTS about women in general (and about his woman in particular) was how she would never let him tell her how he felt about her.
Here’s a typical exchange between Rick and his wife Mary. Let me know if it sounds familiar:
Rick: “I love you.”
Mary: “No you don’t.”
Or…
Rick: “I love you.”
Mary: “If you loved me you wouldn’t go play poker with your friends tonight.”
Or…
Rick: “I adore you.”
Mary: “You’re just saying that because you have to.”
Now, obviously Mary has some self esteem issues (just like millions of other women in our culture. I blame beer commercials). What strikes me is that the women who regularly emotionally castrate their men are the exact same women who end up writing me complaining about how their guys “aren’t romantic anymore” or ask, “Why won’t he seduce me?”
And the answer is. . . if you beat a dog every time he licks your hand, he’ll pretty quickly lose a taste for you.
In order to help you stop emotionally castrating men in your life and actually encourage them to give you the compliments and seductive glances you want, I’m going to teach you three things:
First I’m going to teach you how to take a compliment. (Seriously)
Second I’m going to teach you how to raise your self esteem using the I Like Myself Game. (This game also appears in my Text the Romance Back program, but it’s worth including here.)
Third I’m going to talk to you about the power of the Confidence Tease and why acting like you’re worthy of your man’s love and adoration will create amazing fuel for his masculine fire. (Wow, did I really just say “masculine fire?” I should write romance novels.)
Let’s get to work.
How to Take a Compliment
This is one of those things that should be easy but makes most people want to subtly throw up in their mouths. I don’t know if it’s an American thing or what, but the vast majority of people I know are awful at taking compliments and act like you licked their cheek every time you say something nice about them.
For example, I have a friend named Matt who’s undoubtedly one of the smartest people I know. Matt’s got a brain the size of the moon, is one of the most politically and scientifically knowledgeable people I know, and his IQ absolutely dwarfs mine. But he can’t take a compliment to save his life.
Me: “Matt, you’re incredibly intelligent, you’re probably the smartest guy I know.”
Matt: (Hmming and hawwing) “Well, nah, I’m no Bill Gates or anything.”
I have another friend named Fiona who’s absolutely beautiful. Stunning eyes, great body, and a smile that makes me shiver.
But when I tell Fiona “You’re really beautiful,” her smile disappears and she says “I don’t like my butt and I wish I had nicer skin.” And then we sit there in silence for a minute as I try to figure out how to get her out of her funk.
Now, you might think that Matt and Fiona are just being humble. But in my opinion they’re not being humble at all. They’re being assholes.
Let me explain.
A lot of people think that in order to accept a compliment you need to personally think the compliment is true. But in reality what you think doesn’t actually matter. The person giving you the compliment thinks it’s true. And if you deny the compliment or refuse to accept it, you’re denying that person’s truth and are basically being an asshole.
For instance, in my spare time I play guitar. In my opinion, my guitar skills are mediocre. I know some chords and can handle a rhythm, but I don’t know many songs and my soloing ability doesn’t let me play anything beyond 12 bar blues
But sometimes, when I’m playing guitar with friends, somebody will come over and say, “Wow, man, you’re really good.”
Now if I get all humble and say, “Nah, I’m not really very good,” what I’m REALLY saying is, “You’re wrong and you have no taste and what the hell is wrong with you?” In other words, I’m being an asshole.
Once you start framing compliments this way (and realizing that compliments aren’t about the truth of you, but are about the perceptions of others), accepting compliments gets a lot easier.
It doesn’t actually matter if you think you’re beautiful or sexy or have some mystic ability to win at Parcheesi. If the person who’s complimenting you believes it, that’s their reality and you don’t have the right or the responsibility to deny it.
So Here’s What You Do when Someone Gives You a Compliment. . .
Step 1: Ignore that knee jerk reaction you have to be humble or to say something pacifying like “that’s nice of you to say” (I hate that phrase).
Take a deep breath.
Step 2: Look that person right in the eye and say “Thank you.”
Step 3: Stop talking.
This sounds simple, but for most people it’s extraordinarily difficult.
The I Like Myself Game
The I Like Myself Game is something I created several years ago when I was at a real low point. I’d just turned 30, and even though a lot of things in my life seemed pretty great, I was miserable. No matter what I accomplished or what I did with myself, my self image was low and dirty and evil and cruel.
And it wreaked havoc with my romantic life. I hated myself so much that I just couldn’t let a woman love me without wondering what the heck was going on in her head.
It’s taken me years of work to re-jigger my self image to something awesome, but it’s been worth it.
The first time you play the I Like Myself Game, it’s going to scare the living bejeezus out of you. In fact, a lot of people who TRY to play it the first time end up chickening out. They confuse liking themselves with being arrogant and go hide under the couch until the specter of positivity passes.
So Take a Deep Breath and Get Ready. Here’s All You Have to Do:
Take out a blank piece of paper or fire up a blank document in your word processor of choice. At the very top of the paper write “I like (YOUR NAME), I really do. . . ” (If you feel a little shot of panic doing this, that’s OK. Take another deep breath.)
In the third person (“Jenny is. . . ”), write out what you truly LIKE about yourself. Don’t edit yourself. Don’t apologize. Don’t use wiggle words or neutralizers like “I’d like Jenny’s smile, but her teeth are kind of crooked” or “I like Jenny’s brain, but I wish she was smarter.” Focus on the positives.
Don’t qualify anything. Don’t worry about being immodest (modesty is noxious; I’m not a fan). Be honest: what do you REALLY like about yourself, and what do you think other people like about you, too?
Examples of Stuff You Might Like About Yourself Can Include:
Personality traits: “I like Melanie’s sense of humor. She can make a whole room laugh with a word.”
Physical traits: “I like Mary’s butt. It’s taken years of work, and she’s got an ass that draws stares when she walks down the street.”
Accomplishments: “I like how Jasmine kept moving even when things got tough and graduated at the top of her class.”
FILL THE WHOLE PAGE if you can and keep going no matter how hard it gets. The first time I did this exercise I had a panic attack, but now I can do it in my sleep. It’s SUPER IMPORTANT that you do it right.
Just as an example, here’s a quick I Like Myself Game for me. . .
I like Mike, I really do.
I like his energy. It crackles off him like lightning, and when he focuses he can change the world through his sheer force of will.
I like how Mike cares about people. I like that Mike goes out of his way to help the people in his life and thinks loyalty is the most important thing in the world.
I like Mike’s smile. He’s got dimples and a naughty glimmer in his eye that makes you wonder what’s going on in his head.
The first time you play this game, you’re going to feel like an egotistical git. That’s because our culture programs us to have low self esteem and low opinions of ourselves.
Play it anyway. Write it out longhand if you can (though typing is OK, too. My handwriting is doctor-level bad, so I type everything). You don’t have to share this with anyone, but you can if you want. It’s a great game to play with your partner, followed by a What I Like About You variation.
Simply by focusing on the POSITIVES about yourself, you’re going to REPROGRAM your mind.
The Confidence Tease
Here’s one simple trick that I learned from my girlfriend (it drives me absolutely wild every single time she does it).
Again, it’s a trick that seems simple and like something every woman should know how to do, but in the years I’ve been dating (and I’ve dated a fair number of women) she’s the only woman I’ve ever seen do it.
I call it The Confidence Tease because it projects astonishing confidence (and confidence in a woman is incredibly attractive) and because it teases a man and gets his inner hunter up and craving you.
Here’s How It Works:
Next time the man in your life says “I love you,” (or I adore you or anything like that) or gives you a compliment, just stop, look him in the eye and say “I know.” And then smile.
Which of these do you think is more powerful?
Option 1:
Sam: “I love you.”
Susan: “Do you really? Are you sure?”
or
Option 2:
Sam: “I love you.”
Susan: “I know =-)”
I can tell you as a guy, the first response makes me want to crawl under a rock while the second response multiplies my desire and attraction to a woman by a factor of ten.
Same thing with a compliment:
Option 1:
Sergei: “I think you’re beautiful.”
Sally: (Blushes, looks away)
or
Option 2:
Sergei: “I think you’re beautiful.”
Sally: “I know =-)”
Summing Up Lesson 3
Emotional castration is when a woman denies a man’s truth and power and makes him feel like his opinion simply doesn’t matter. Emotional castration normally happens because a woman’s self esteem won’t let her take a compliment or accept that a man is telling her the truth.
There are three ways to defeat the emotional castration habit. . .
Learn to take a compliment. It doesn’t matter if you think the compliment is true, the only correct response to a compliment is to say “thank you.” If you deflect a compliment, you’re not being humble, you’re being an asshole.
Raise your self esteem. Confidence is sexy. Knowing what you like about yourself won’t just make you happier, it’ll draw men to you like bees to honey.
The Confidence Tease is an amazing way to get a man’s motor running and to indicate that you’re something truly special and worth pursuing (I should know, it worked on me).
Exercises for Lesson 3
Pick at least one of these exercises to do. Come back and do the others
later if you have time.
1. Play the I Like Myself Game. Yes, this will scare the crap out of you at first. Play it anyway. If you really want to have fun, invite a few of your best girlfriends over to play it with you. You can also play the I Like Myself Game with your partner, though getting men to do this can be even more difficult than getting women to do it.
2. Compliment practice. Next time someone gives you any kind of compliment, take a moment to notice how you react. What happens to your heart rate? What happens in your mind? Do you immediately start having negative thoughts or denying what they’re saying? After you’ve observed your pattern a few times, practice simply saying “thank you” to any compliment that comes your way.
You can also practice taking compliments by yourself (by looking in the mirror and giving yourself a compliment, then saying “thank you”) or with a friend (this is a great bonding exercise).
3. The Confidence Tease. Next time the man in your life says “I love you” (Or “I like you,” “I adore you,” etc.) look him right in the eye, smile, and say “I know.” See how he reacts. =-)
ADVANCED: If you think you’ve been particularly guilty of emotional castration with the man in your life or (even worse) find yourself constantly criticizing and tearing down your man because of how you feel inside, sit down with him and apologize. Tell him what you like and adore about him. Even if he doesn’t engage in the conversation, just knowing that his woman respects him will do wonders for his self esteem and sense of self worth. It’ll also open up the floodgates for him to be able to give you the attention and adoration you crave so much without him being afraid that you’ll tear him down.
Up Next: Does he really love me?
Once you’ve finished your exercises and reviewed this lesson, start counting down the moments until you get lesson 4, which will teach you how he REALLY feels about you and a simple answer to a huge question: “Does he really love me?”
